


little do you know

by littleyeonbin



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:49:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26318968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleyeonbin/pseuds/littleyeonbin
Summary: in which choi soobin has always been selfless, but this time is selfish, and choi yeonjun wishes the younger would be selfless for the last time.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 107
Kudos: 252





	1. Chapter 1

_—_ 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏

_<https://open.spotify.com/track/1almCHdsfikRPfVB9VrEdT> _

Choi Yeonjun hates how after everything, Choi Soobin still manages to keep his cool. He looks at the taller one that sits across him with an unreadable expression on his face, and he waits. He waits for the other to cry, to curse at him in anger, to throw him punches and slaps that he thinks he very much deserves, anything—he waits, he waits, and he waits. However, Soobin just stills on his seat, fingers on the table interlaced, eyes on him warm, but distant.

Soobin then flashes Yeonjun a smile, but unlike all the times before, it doesn’t reach his eyes.

It breaks everything in Yeonjun.

“I learnt from Gyu that you’ll be having a break for a couple months after…” Soobin stops mid-sentence as he thinks of the correct word to say. “ _That_.”

Yeonjun nods, eyes settling on everything but Soobin. He can’t bear to look at him in the eyes anymore, knowing that under that calm façade, Soobin is breaking. He knows. He knows because the bags under his eyes are evident, puffy and red and definitely screaming for attention. It hurts Yeonjun to the core of his being knowing that he’s the reason why the taller is breaking. He’s not sure if he can be fixed and repaired anymore; it’s not the first time anyway. Yeonjun wants to cry.

“I have something to share with you. I think it’s the best for both of us,” Soobin says as he reaches out for a brown envelope from the dining chair beside him. “I’m sorry if it’s too sudden. I went to the court this morning, and—“ he stops before he draws out two pieces of papers and places them in the middle of the table, in between both of them.

Yeonjun’s heart sinks as he reads the heading.

“Soobin, please…” Yeonjun’s voice cracks, tears start to pool in his orbs, blurring his vision.

Soobin heaves a sigh before flashing another small, dim smile. “I’ve signed mine here,” Soobin calmly says, avoiding eye contact together from the love of his life. He pulls one of the copies below the top one and points to the very bottom of the paper, in which his signature was signed. Yeonjun scans the paper quickly and he notices how Soobin has fully filled in the form with all the necessary details. “You can fill yours and sign it when you’re ready.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that, Bin,” Yeonjun lowly whispers. A tear finally escapes from his left eye, and then from the right, and then strings of droplets keep streaming down his cheeks like waterfalls.

Soobin’s face falls at the sight of Yeonjun crying. However, he stays grounded. He can’t back off now. He needs to be strong, for himself. He can’t break anymore. He doesn’t want to break even more. He’s in pieces; he’s afraid he’s left with nothing if he keeps breaking. He doesn’t want to turn into dust. He wants to at least have the remaining pieces of himself all to himself. Losing Yeonjun will hurt, definitely, but losing himself will hurt more. He knows that.

Soobin lets Yeonjun’s previous statement unanswered. Instead, he says, “I’ll be away for my book tour next week,” he informs the other while putting the forms back into the envelope. He looks at Yeonjun after, gaze softens and warm. Soobin walks over, pulling the crying older to him and embraces him. Yeonjun sobs into Soobin’s stomach with his hands tugging at the hem of Soobin’s knit cardigan.

“I’ll be away next week,” Soobin continues all in while stroking Yeonjun’s back in soothing circles. “For a month and a half. It’ll be good for you to think things through, and it’ll be good for me to think things through too. I hope everything’s settled by then. I don’t want to hold you back any longer.”

Yeonjun doesn’t have to ask what Soobin meant by that. With that, he cries harder and louder and Soobin starts to panic. Instinctively, he crouches down so that he will be on an eye level with Yeonjun. He grabs Yeonjun’s chin ever so gently, noticing how his shoulders are shaking cruelly due to his uncontrollable sobs, and Soobin’s heart breaks at the sight in front of him. Soobin pulls Yeonjun in again, and his shirt is immediately wet from Yeonjun’s tears.

Soobin cradles Yeonjun in his arms, rocking left to right softly and he can feel the older to relax after a good 10 minutes. Soobin lets go, tilting Yeonjun’s head up by the chin, and smiles. It’s a genuine one this time, and he leans closer to leave a chaste kiss on Yeonjun’s forehead. He lingers there for a while, inhaling Yeonjun’s vanilla and honeydew scent—a scent that lets Soobin know that he’s safe, that he’s home, and now a scent that he’ll miss a tad too much, too.

“Don’t cry, Jun,” Soobin whispers, hands reaching up to cup Yeonjun’s cheeks to stroke them. “It hurts me a lot to see you cry, you know that.” 

At that, Yeonjun’s tears start to flow even more, and Soobin chuckles, though sadly, before he pulls in him for a hug again. “It’s okay, baby,” Soobin says, hugging the older tighter, eyes are teary too. “It’s okay. We’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. It’s alright. I’m here.”

Yeonjun rests the side of his cheek at the crook of Soobin’s neck, dampening the latter’s collarbone. He tugs Soobin closer and the younger just lets him be. And Yeonjun hates it. He hates it how calm and grounded Soobin is. He’d rather have him to scream his heart out, to break down with ugly tears and deafening sobs, to break and destroy things like how Yeonjun breaks and destroys him, but Soobin has always been calm. He has always been the rational one between the two. He has always been, and Yeonjun hates it.

“Bin,” Yeonjun chokes on his own tears, voice hoarse and muffled. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

At his apology, Soobin’s tear falls. It’s only a droplet, quick and fast and unnoticeable and he regains his composure. He can’t cry again—he _won’t_. He has cried enough once the TV flashed the news. He has cried enough when the images of his own husband leaving a hotel with another woman—his co-actor that Soobin finds himself hating when he has never come close to disliking anyone before—filling his Twitter timeline and Instagram feed. He has cried enough he’s left with no tears to cry anymore. Perhaps there will be more because his heart is aching still, but not today, not when Yeonjun is around.

Today’s Yeonjun’s turn to cry. Soobin, being his usual selfless self, wants to be the pillar—a shoulder for Yeonjun to cry on, though he’s breaking too.

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun repeats like a broken record. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I’m hurting you. I’m sorry I failed you…”

Soobin doesn’t want his apology. He wants him to tell him that it was all a lie, that it was all a misunderstanding and how the media was only manipulating stuffs so that they would have something relevant to be put as the headlines. He wants him to tell that there’s no one else but Soobin. He doesn’t want him to apologise. He smiles nevertheless, knowing all tad too well that there are some things in life that can only remain as wishes. This is one of them.

Yeonjun pulls away, still crying, but a lot calmer. He reaches out, tracing the bags under Soobin’s eyes gently, and Soobin lets himself lost under Yeonjun’s touch. Yeonjun leans in and kisses the other’s eyes—from the right, and then the left—because he had made the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen in his entire life crying—because of him, for him. He traces his finger downwards, further south, until it lands on Soobin’s lips.

Soobin flinches.

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun whispers. “I love you.”

Soobin snaps back into reality. He encloses his hand around Yeonjun’s hand that is on his face and pulls it down. He puts up a smile before he gets up.

“I’m hungry,” Soobin says, completely changing the topic. “What do you want to have for dinner? I’m kind of craving for pizza.”

Yeonjun tries to ignore the growing pains under his chest from his unanswered ‘I love you’. That was a first—Soobin has never let that unanswered before, no matter what he’s feeling at the moment: happy, angry or disappointed, even frustrated—and Yeonjun knows that won’t be the last time.

And his heart breaks even more and more.

After dinner and many tears later, Yeonjun sits on the edge of the bed and stares into the nothingness ahead of him. Soobin is in the bathroom, taking a shower longer than usual if Yeonjun remembers correctly, and Yeonjun uses the silence to let what happened today sinks in. It’s not that it hasn’t sunk in; he knows all tad too well what’s happening, but he just can’t make himself understand. He wants to understand—he wants to understand the motive behind Soobin’s action—but he knows he’s being selfish. Because he knows exactly why Soobin did what he did. He just doesn’t want to understand it.

Yeonjun wished Soobin would be more selfish and less selfless, but not this time—he wants Soobin to be selfless, and he can be selfish after. _Please_.

Yeonjun reaches for his phone, and makes a call to his manager, who’s also his best friend.

Within three rings, the call is answered.

Yeonjun makes his way out to the balcony and inhales the night view.

“Gyu,” he calls out, voice flat and monotonous. “Are you busy?”

“Hyung,” Beomgyu greets. “No, I’m not. What’s up? Are you okay?”

Yeonjun’s eyes get teary again at the question. “I’m not.”

“Should I come over?” Beomgyu’s voice is laced with worry.

“No, no. Please don’t. I—“ Yeonjun heaves a heavy sigh. “Soobin… Soobin, he—“ another sigh follows with a headache, “he files for, you know—“ a sob finally escapes his lips and he leans his head on the railing. “He files for a divorce. It’s—“ another sob follows by another and by the time he realises it, he’s sobbing cruelly to the point his whole body is shaking. He falls to the cold floor, the phone slips from his hand, and for a moment, it’s just him and his ugly cries.

He doesn’t realise Beomgyu’s screaming on the other line, asking for him. Not even realising that the call ended and the younger is on his way there. Not even realising that Soobin is now on the floor, engulfing him in an embrace. Not even realising that he’s breaking down ever so terribly. Not realising that he’s having trouble breathing now because his own tears are suffocating him, strangling him, and he hears nothing except for his own heartbeats that beat so fast he thinks he’s going to explode in any second.

“Jun, hey,” Soobin pulls away and shakes his shoulders, only to be met with empty eyes and deafening cries. “Yeonjun, I’m here. You’re okay, please, you’re okay. I’m here,” but the cries don’t seem to stop, _won’t_ seem to stop.

Soobin tries again, he’s close to crying as well because he wonders what went wrong with their relationship and when they got so broken, but he remains calm. “Yeonjun, baby, please look at me,” he softly whispers, tilting Yeonjun’s head to him and it hurts Soobin how the older doesn’t look at him, but _past_ him.

Panicking, Soobin presses his lips against Yeonjun, kissing the other ever so gently while drawing soothing circles on his back. He does so, time is ticking painfully slow, and Soobin fails to notice that he finally cries, too. However, he continues kissing him, softly and delicately as if going beyond that will eventually break Yeonjun altogether. He keeps kissing him, salty, heartfelt tears mixed together, but neither seems to care, because at least for now, they’re together and safe—they’re _home_.

Yeonjun relaxes, eyes closed and tears aren’t spilling as quick as before, breathing shallow but steady finally. He holds Soobin by the waist, tugging to the younger’s shirt tightly as if his life depends on it, and he responds to the kiss, warmly yet passionately. _God, just how much he misses him._ He stops shaking after the seventh minute, and even after he pulls away, he never lets Soobin go. He rests his head on the younger’s chest, tears eventually stop flowing, but he can’t stop sniffling.

Soobin embraces Yeonjun, his chin on top of Yeonjun’s head. “You scared me,” Soobin whispers. “God, you scared me.”

Before Yeonjun could reply, a yell echoes into the house. “Yeonjun hyung! Soobin hyung!”

Yeonjun finally remembers that he was talking to Beomgyu before he was drowned with his own thoughts and emotions.

Soobin stands up first, offering his hand to Yeonjun before the younger pulls him up to his feet. Soobin offers him a small smile, wiping his tears-stained cheeks with the end of his sleeve. Yeonjun fights the urge to cry again.

Beomgyu finally enters the bedroom, pushing the door quite roughly and the worry on his face vanishes once his eyes land on Yeonjun and Soobin. He finally lets out a breathe he doesn’t realise he was holding and he supports himself by leaning against the doorframe, one hand automatically goes straight to his chest.

“Don’t worry me like that ever again,” Beomgyu says as he makes his way to the older, pulling him into a hug.

Soobin steps aside, watching the other two in silence. Without asking, he somehow connects the dots that Beomgyu is aware with what’s happening. Beomgyu is his friend, too, but closer to Yeonjun due to the fact that he spends more time with Yeonjun on roads and on sets.

“I’ll leave you two for a while,” Soobin says. “I’ll be in the study room if you need me.”

“Soobin files a divorce,” Yeonjun begins, breaking the silence that has been engulfing both him and Beomgyu for a quite some time. “He went to the court this morning, and you know, he has his form filled and shit, and—“ he stops mid-sentence, finding the right words to continue. “It’s all so sudden. We didn’t even have a proper talk over what’s happening, and he’s always so understanding of me and my work, but then—“

“Hyung,” Beomgyu cuts Yeonjun off. “There’s a limit to how much someone can take things in. Soobin hyung, he has been very patient since the beginning, and the rumours of you and Yeji… they have been going on for a long time and they aren’t pleasing. The recent one, I can’t imagine how Soobin hyung felt when he found out. And you, out of all people know to what extent the rumours are true.”

“Yeji and I…”

“Does she know you’re married, hyung?” Beomgyu asks, cutting off the older once more.

“You know the answer to that, Gyu. No one knows except for you, Taehyun and the managements.”

“Soobin hyung has made it clear to the public he’s married, though he doesn’t reveal who his husband is. Why’s that, hyung?”

“The public can’t know it’s me, Gyu. You know how it is. People can’t know I’m married, and people can’t know who Soobin’s husband is. This industry doesn’t work that way.”

Beomgyu gives Yeonjun a look that the older can’t comprehend. He sighs deeply. “Then, why’s it okay with Yeji?”

“What do you mean?” Yeonjun rubs his temple, the headache he has earlier starts to weigh on him.

“Rumours of you and Yeji have surfaced since almost two years ago, since the two of you had that song collaboration. It doesn’t help when people caught you and her here and there even after the drama you filmed ended. What happened recently… I believe is the last straw for Soobin hyung. I don’t know what happened with you and her at the hotel, but if I were Soobin hyung, I would’ve lost it, too. My question is, why’s it okay for people to see you and Yeji together, but not you and Soobin hyung?”

“You know why. It’s not the same.”

“Same difference,” Beomgyu interjects.

Yeonjun closes his eyes. “I love Soobin. It’s always him; it’s always been him.”

Beomgyu looks at Yeonjun with quite a challenging look. “Then prove it. Soobin hyung has always put your first before anything, even himself. After everything, it’s about time he puts himself first before you. Do something about it, or else you’ll really lose him.”

“It’s too late,” Yeonjun says, voice breaking. “He signed the paper.”

“And you _haven’t_ ,” the younger replies, not missing a beat. “That makes it _not_ too late.”

Soobin enters the bedroom when the clock strikes 2. He tried to stay up late, finishing off a book he had been reading since last week, just so he could avoid Yeonjun altogether, and he sighs in relief once the darkness greets him, only the moonlight finds its way into the room. The floor’s dead cold due to the AC, and Soobin walks on his toes to the other end of the bed as he tries not to wake the blanketed figure on the bed up.

Soobin makes himself comfortable on the bed, his back facing Yeonjun before he pulls the comforter gently up to his chest. He closes his eyes, though knowing sleep won’t visit him anytime soon.

If there is anything Soobin hates, it’s deafening silence—a kind of silence that demands to be heard. He hates it, because he hasn’t found a way to defeat it, and he hates it because it’s also how his thoughts and emotions overpower him. He breathes in the suffocating silence, losing again, and once the silence explodes, he sobs—silently. He buries his face to the pillow once again, his cries muffled, heart’s tightening under his chest in a quite violent manner.

He cries and cries and cries, all the while refraining himself from shaking too much because he doesn’t want to wake the other. But, perhaps Yeonjun hasn’t been sleeping all this time, too.

Soobin flinches as his breath hitches when he feels an arm draping over his waist and a pressure on his back, warm breath fanning his neck. Vanilla and honeydew scent lingers in the air, and that’s not supposed to make him cry even more, but he does, and with that the older pulls him closer, something Soobin thought was impossible initially, but it’s always in Yeonjun’s nature to make almost everything possible.

“Sleep, Binnie,” Yeonjun whispers, peppering soft and light kisses on the younger’s neck and shoulders. “Sleep. I’m here now. Sleep. I love you.”

Soobin doesn’t reply; instead he encloses his hand around Yeonjun’s cold one, and they fall asleep not too long after that, hearts heavy but at least, _beating as one._


	2. Chapter 2

_<https://open.spotify.com/track/4BMbbfwW9GLl9b05ecYKVa> _

Yeonjun runs his hand on the space next to him rather blindly, eyes shut tight, lips pouting. He frowns as he realises that he’s reaching for nothing, that the bed is half empty, that Soobin is nowhere within his reach. Slowly, he opens his eyes, slightly wincing as his eyes greet the bright dayshine as a yawn escapes his lips. He stretches, mumbling incoherent words in attempt to call out the younger, before he lets out another yawn. 

He then pushes himself up to lean against the headboard, scratches the side of his head as he looks around. 

“Soobinnie?” he mutters in confusion as the younger is not in sight. Just then, a mouth-watering aroma fills the air and as if it’s on cue, his stomach lets out an embarrassing growl. He furrows his brows, sleepiness still hung heavy on his eyelids, lips take form in a pout once again. He pushes the comforter away, slightly stumbling when he sets his feet on the floor and drags himself out of the room to the kitchen downstairs.

Yeonjun stops and stands on the last step of the stairs once Soobin’s back comes into his view. The younger is making breakfast, leaning himself against the refrigerator while his right hand is busy stirring something Yeonjun assumes to be scrambled eggs due to the smell alone. He can hear Soobin humming softly to one of his songs from his latest album, though his brain can’t specify which song it is that early in the morning.

Yeonjun stares at Soobin’s tall frame in silence as a wave of unknown emotions wash all over him. He can’t pinpoint what they are—the feelings—but it’s quite overwhelming. Perhaps there’s something about watching Soobin preparing breakfast for both of them again after not being able to for the past 2 months (due to his drama filming that took place abroad). Perhaps it has something to do with how homely it feels to see Soobin with his worn-out, grey hoodie with checkered pyjama pants again first thing first in the morning. 

Perhaps it’s Yeonjun realising that he’s going to have all of that only for less than a week before Soobin’s departure to his book tour, before it all ends. 

Shaking his head as he remembers what Beomgyu said last night (of how everything’s not too late), he, with such confidence and courage he doesn’t know he has in him, walks over to the younger, smoothly snaking his arm around his waist, and leaves a sloppy peck on his cheek.

Soobin startles, almost dropping the spatula he has in his hand before he turns his head to his right, to where Yeonjun is standing with a lazy, sleepy smile.

“Morning,” the older greets.

Soobin seems to be in dazed. After all, it has been a while since he sees Yeonjun in the morning, what more to receive a greeting from him, a quite intimate one he might add. Something warm grows under his chest as he looks at Yeonjun’s messy bed hair with his morning, swollen face and silly, lopsided grin. Soobin is obviously staring at this point, and Yeonjun takes the chance to leave another quick peck on the younger—this time directly on the lips.

“The eggs are burning, Bin,” Yeonjun reminds, a low chuckle ends his sentence. He removes his arm from his waist, moving to the other side of the kitchen to prepare peach tea for the both of them.

Soobin snaps from his trance, immediately returning his attention back to eggs in the pan. His face breaks into a frown; Yeonjun’s right. More than half part of the eggs are browning, with a small part of it has already turned black. He quickly turns off the stove all the while muttering how it’s all Yeonjun’s fault, and the older who happens to hear his complain, only laughs silently.

It feels normal, somehow, that morning—that is, of course, without the unsettled agreement that neither wants to bring up. Hence, breakfast unfolds like how it usually does—effortless conversations on whatever topic there is, constant teasing and shy glances though it has been 2 years of dating and 4 years of marriage, catching up from the biggest to the smallest of things. It indeed feels normal, as if yesterday was only an illusion, or a painful dream. 

They both know it isn’t the case, though, because the brown envelope that holds their future is still there, lying on the other side of the dining table, cold and untouched from the last time Soobin left it. 

  
Unlike how bright it was in the morning, the sun hides itself behind the clouds in the afternoon and makes way for the rain to shower everything beneath it. It’s dark and cold out with lightning and thunders decorate the vast sky every once in a while. 

Inside the cosy and warm living room, Yeonjun and Soobin are alone, yet together, absorbed in their own things at hands—the older is watching the news on the TV, while the younger is on his MacBook, busy with the preparation for his upcoming book tour. The former is on the couch, while the latter is on the floor, his elbow constantly touches the former’s knee, but like how it always is, none seems to care. 

Yeonjun really thinks that perhaps things are back to normal, if not all then almost. Soobin doesn’t bring yesterday up and he shows no signs of doing so, in which it’s something that Yeonjun is grateful for—definitely no ugly tears and deafening cries from either of them it almost makes Yeonjun believe that yesterday really was just a nightmare that he miraculously managed to wake up from. 

Except that it _isn’t_. 

Yeonjun notices how Soobin’s fingers freeze mid-air from typing on the keyboards. How the younger holds his breath for a couple seconds. How his eyes land on the 40 inches screen for a moment. How his eyes show nothing but pain. How his expression drops and darkens. How, everything of that, is because of _him_. 

Another thunder breaks through the sky, and Soobin continues hitting the keyboards as if nothing really happens; except that something does happen, did happen, and perhaps that’s why he has been typing things rather furiously, only for him to delete again seconds later. 

Yeonjun sees himself on the television. He sees Yeji, too, and he wonders how it was when the younger saw the news but all by himself, without Yeonjun by his side. Was Soobin this composed and grounded, too? Yeonjun can’t tell. Soobin writes books, and people are always transparent and an open book to him, but Soobin has always been another mystery of the universe. Perhaps that’s why he’s both a writer _and_ a reader. 

_“BigHit Entertainment and JYP Entertainment are yet to confirm the dating rumour involving their artists, Choi Yeonjun and Hwang Yeji, with both agencies claiming that they are still in talk with the said artists. The two have been linked to one another since 2018, and recently, the rumour once again arose as they were spotted leaving a luxurious hotel in Seoul together. It is still unknown to the media of why they were there. BigHit Entertainment, however, officially announced on Twitter earlier today that Choi Yeonjun will be taking a break from the industry for the next three months. On the other hand, Hwang Yeji will continue with the promotion of her latest single, Not Shy.”_

Flashes of photos and a short clip of Yeonjun and Yeji filled the whole screen, clear and demanding to be seen, before Yeonjun turns the TV off. It is silent, only the sound of rain hitting the earth engulfing the two living souls in the room. It’s almost suffocating—the silence that Yeonjun has to break it, so that both of them can finally breathe.

“I can explain.” 

“I can’t talk now,” Soobin quickly dismisses, his fingers are moving so fast on the keyboards Yeonjun can barely keep up with what he’s typing. He reads the screen and he doesn’t really need to read it; Soobin is just writing anything and everything he doesn’t even make sense. 

“You don’t have to talk,” Yeonjun replies. “You only have to listen.”

“Well, I can’t listen either. I’m quite busy here.”

Yeonjun heaves a sigh, calming himself down because he knows that it’s the irrational part of Soobin that’s acting up, which doesn’t happen too often. He understands. He then slightly moves on the couch, making his way over so that Soobin is now sitting in between his legs. He reaches out to the younger’s hands, interlacing their fingers together, tightening the grips when Soobin struggles to free himself from his hold. The other doesn’t give up, though, and he keeps struggling Yeonjun has to use the strength of his legs to lock Soobin’s frame. 

“Soobin, stop. You’re going to hurt yourself,” Yeonjun says, his voice stern, monotonous yet soft. 

“Let me go now,” Soobin replies coldly, teeth gritting, eyes tearing. Soobin hates how he appears to be strong physically but emotionally he’s pitifully crumbling, more and more after each second.

“Soobin, you’re going to hurt yourself at this point,” Yeonjun tries again, wondering how and when Soobin gets so strong. 

The younger, of course, doesn’t listen. It’s understandable, really, how after emotional pain, physical pain is almost nothing—at least that’s how Soobin feels at the moment. He tries to stand, pushing himself up using the strength in his legs, but due to their position, Yeonjun’s more at advantage. He easily holds him down again. 

“Choi Soobin!” his voice raises for an octave, and only then Soobin stops moving altogether, but not without letting out an annoyed grunt after. 

“Good, thank you,” Yeonjun mutters lowly, loosening his grip and hold on the younger before leaving a kiss on top of his head. 

“Let’s talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“That’s so cliché,” Yeonjun remarks. “You’re a writer; come with a better one.” 

“Choi Yeonjun, I swear if you don’t fuc—“

“You know how it is, Soobin,” Yeonjun begins to explain, ignoring how the younger almost cussed at him out loud if he didn’t cut him off. “The rumours aren’t always like how they seem to be.”

Soobin scoffs loudly. “That doesn’t even explain anything,” Soobin hates the way he sounds; he hates the way he’s speaking to Yeonjun at the moment because he’s no longer rational, but emotional. “Why are we even talking about this again? I don’t see the point.”

“There _is_ a point,” says Yeonjun calmly it’s strange even to him because he’s never this rational before. It was always Soobin. It seems as if the roles have reversed. “There is a point because you’re filing for divorce, and I don’t want that. It was only a misunderstanding. There’s nothing going on between Yeji and I, or anyone else, and there will never be. I love you so much to do that, Bin. I know I’m in a position where I’m questionable because I happened to be at a place that’s very questionable, but I swear on my life nothing actually happened between me and her.” 

Soobin remains silent; Yeonjun’s words are playing in his mind like some sort of his favourite songs, except that it stings quite badly. 

“I’m sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention. I know the damage’s done, and that you might not trust me anymore—“

“It’s not that,” Soobin cuts Yeonjun off, voice breaking and Yeonjun flinches when droplets fall onto his hands that are secured around Soobin’s. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I trust you—“ Soobin’s voice gets smaller by each word he’s spilling. “You know I trust you since day one. If you say nothing happened, then nothing happened.” 

Yeonjun wants to cry too as he listens to what Soobin says and has to say: how devoted Soobin is to him. “Then why did you sign the paper?”

Soobin turns around, untangling their fingers in the process only for him to tangle them again after. He looks up to the older, raw and naked emotions are on display. 

“Because it’s _hurting_ me, and it has been for two years long I can’t stand it anymore. It’s killing me to see the person I’m in love with is being linked to another person, and how I can’t do shit about it because then your career would be at stake,” Soobin closes his eyes for a while, taking a couple of deep breaths. “What we have here doesn’t feel like a marriage anymore, Jun. I’m not asking for much though I’m dying to show you off as _my person_ every once in a while. All I’m asking is for you to think about the situation you put me in, how it all made me feel when I found out what you did was to see her at a freaking hotel first thing first after you landed here from LA, be it for another work-related meeting.”

“Bin… I—you know you’re more important than—“ 

Soobin chuckles dryly. “This is stupid, really. We’ve talked about this a lot of times; each of the conversation took place right after your rumour with her broke out. We can’t do this for another hundred times, Yeonjun. It’s finally draining me. I’m only able to take only so much,” Soobin sniffles, wiping his runny nose with the end of his sleeve. “I can’t be the bigger person anymore because it doesn’t make me happy, and I’m not blaming you for not doing anything because I know how much you love your career. Hence why I did what I did to save us both from the pain and guilt. Just… sign the paper. Let’s not complicate things anymore.” 

Like the clouds outside, Yeonjun finally cries, too. 

“I love you, Jun,” Soobin whispers truthfully, not a hint of insincerity in his voice. “With all my heart. I love you so much, with every fibre of my being, with every beat of my heart, I love you. But, I love myself, too, and god, I’m breaking and you _don’t destroy_ the person that you love, and I love myself; hence why I’m saving myself, because I finally realise how no one can save you except for yourself.”

Yeonjun is almost hysterical at Soobin’s heartfelt confession. “Oh God, Bin…” he coughs aloud, choking on his own breaths and tears in an attempt to speak. He needs to speak quickly, to make his points because time is running out and Soobin is _leaving. Choi Soobin is leaving. The love of his life is leaving him_. “Soobin, please, I’ll do everything, anything but please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry. God. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll be better. I’ll do better. Just, please… don’t leave me…” 

Soobin shakes his head. Sadly, he says, “I’ve made up my mind, Jun,” he then pushes himself up, now standing on his feet. “I have to go. I have a meeting to attend to finalise some things for the book tour.” 

He softly ruffles Yeonjun’s hair, who’s still crying his heart out, before leaning down to leave a kiss on his forehead. 

Soobin leaves almost half an hour later, after washing and dressing up to make himself presentable despite the swollen face and puffy eyes. He doesn’t spare Yeonjun a single glance, and the older really feels as if his world is ending.

“Soobin hyung,” the red-haired boy in front of him calls softly. “The ice cream’s melting.” 

Soobin shifts his gaze from the nothingness ahead of him to the cup of ice cream on the table. His lips then break into a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, “I’m sorry.” 

Taehyun frowns upon seeing the smile. “You don’t have to smile if it hurts,” the younger says. “Really. It’s just me.” 

Soobin reaches out and softly pats Taehyun’s head. “Thanks, Hyun. You always know what to say.” 

“Perks of spending 24/7 with a writer, I guess,” the red-haired laughs, and that laugh somehow makes Soobin feel better. At least even if everything else is changing, there’s something that stays the same. Soobin is thankful that no matter what happens, Taehyun will always be there, not only as his assistant, but also his best friend. 

Minutes later, a chair beside Taehyun is pulled and here comes Soobin’s another best friend.

“What took you so long, Kamal?” Taehyun asks, pushing a cup of sad-looking mint choco ice cream towards the youngest between the three of them. “If I knew you’d run late, I would’ve just gotten extra for Soobin hyung.” 

“First of all, call me Kai,” the brunette replies with a dramatic roll of the eyes. “Second of all, it’s not my fault that CEO Kim held me back way longer than planned. I mean, I know I did a good job for the illustrations of your poetry book,” he shifts his gaze towards Soobin at the mention of Soobin’s latest piece, “but he’s the reason why my ice cream is nothing more than just… water. Treat me a new one please.” 

Soobin finally laughs, a short one but what matters is that it’s genuine. He takes out his wallet and hands Kai his card. “Go get a new one.” 

“You spoiled him too much, hyung,” Taehyun retorts. 

“You’re just jealous,” Kai says before he leaves to get his ice cream.

Soobin finishes his ice cream while waiting for Kai to be back. It doesn’t take him long, and he returns the card to Soobin once he’s seated at the table. 

“Hyung,” Kai begins, careful and cautious. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but how are you and Yeonjun hyung?”

Soobin’s dumbfounded at first, but like always, he always manages to remain composed and grounded. However, before he could answer, Taehyun is quick to butt into the conversation.

“Kai’s right. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Besides, just know that whatever happens, we’re here for you. I mean, we love Yeonjun hyung, too, but you’re always our first priority.” 

Soobin laughs again and at the sight of him laughing, eyes turning into crescents with his dimples showing, Taehyun and Kai can’t help but to soften. 

“Don’t pick side, kids,” Soobin reminds them. “We’re, well, not great. But, what’s there to expect honestly? Splitting up, more often than not, is always ugly. What more when there’s still love. It doesn’t make sense, but when I think back, it really doesn’t have to be.”

Kai sends him a look. After all, he’s always against the idea since the very beginning; he’s supportive of Soobin but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to fix things. “It doesn’t make sense, yes. I thought people only split up when the love is non-existent. Not when the love is there, loud and clear.”

Soobin sighs, a sad smile embraces his lips. “Things aren’t always that simple, Kai. They may seem like one, but it isn’t always the case. This is one of them.” 

“I think it’s good that you’ll be away soon,” Taehyun says. “You need time and space. Yeonjun hyung, too.” 

The red-haired then adds, “Sometimes, when you have everything at hands, you tend to lose sight of what’s really important. Perhaps this is one of the times.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please scream at me on twt for this angst lmao @ateezimnida


	3. Chapter 3

_<https://open.spotify.com/track/1othhMi2WsiF9oLoisJjYW> _

“Bin,” Yeonjun lowly calls out, gently shaking the softly snoring, blanketed figure on the bed. “Bin, wake up.”

  
“Jun?” Soobin whispers, confusion is evident in his voice. His eyes flutter open though he’s dying to sleep again, his eyelids heavy. He pushes himself up to lean against the headrest. He then tries to focus his eyes on the older who’s sitting at the edge of the bed while looking at him funnily. He scratches his head, eyebrows furrowed. “Jun? You’re all right? What time is it?” his voice cracks slightly due to the fact he just woke up, and that earns a chuckle from Yeonjun.

Yeonjun reaches out, playing with Soobin’s messy yet soft locks, and Soobin with his sleepiness hung heavy on his lids just leans into his touch comfortably. Yeonjun’s heart swells in adoration for the younger, though a tint of sadness starts to linger within his heart, too. Soobin probably isn’t awake enough to realise what he’s doing at the moment—to remember what’s happening between them—and Yeonjun kind of wishes the younger would somehow forget about it all. 

“It’s 7 minutes past 2,” Yeonjun answers. “And I’m all right.” 

Soobin almost falls asleep on Yeonjun’s palm if it wasn’t for the older speaking up. “Bin, I’m hungry.” 

Sleepily, Soobin says, “There’s a bunch of instant noodles in the shelf in the kitchen. I bought them a day before you returned.” 

Yeonjun is dumbfounded for a moment, but he mentally thanks Soobin’s sleepiness because the younger fails to notice that. “W-well, yeah, I noticed,” he stutters. “But I want the spicy jjajangmyeon one,” Yeonjun feels like smacking himself in the face for not thinking things through. 

“Really?” Soobin asks in confusion, voice still soft with a hint of drowsiness behind it. “I think I bought a couple cups though. Have you checked the other shelf?” 

Yeonjun just pushes himself to make things up at this point. “Yeah, I have. I kind of crave for the red-bean ice cream as well.” 

Soobin finally has his eyes opened again as he sits straight, looking at Yeonjun in the eyes. “Jun, you hate red-bean ice cream.” 

The older immediately fakes a laugh at the realisation. “Do I?” Yeonjun braves himself to return the gaze. “You know how it works with cravings. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense.” 

Soobin frowns before his lips take form into a pout, in which it drives Yeonjun mad. Why does the younger have to be that adorable tonight? “That’s too bad,” Soobin says, puffing his cheeks. “I only bought your favourite mint choco the other day.” 

“Well, the convenience store is open,” Yeonjun hints.

“What?” Soobin thinks he’s just mishearing things. 

“The convenience store… is still open. I mean, of course it is. It’s open 24 hours every day.” Yeonjun repeats, this time with something that he considers to be unnecessary details because Soobin knows it all tad too well. 

It’s Soobin’s turn to be dumbfounded. “Jun, you said it yourself that it’s 2 in the morning.” 

“Yes?” Yeonjun furrows his eyebrows, confused. 

“You were never up for this kind of thing before,” Soobin shoots Yeonjun with the truth. “Are you pulling a prank on me right now?” 

Yeonjun immediately waves his hands in front of him, signalling a ‘no’, quite desperately. “What? No, of course, no. It’s… hmm—“ he scratches the side of his cheek. “It’s the… craving. Yes, the craving. I crave for the spicy jjajang noodles, and the red-bean ice cream… specifically from the convenience store.” 

Soobin stares at the older for a moment before a chuckle escapes his lips. “You’re unbelievable.” 

Yeonjun frowns. “Let’s go to the convenience store?” It’s no longer an indirect invitation, but a direct one because his cheeks can’t stand the heat anymore. He doesn’t understand the nervousness, really, because it’s just Soobin. It almost feels like the first time he asked Soobin to go for a date with him many years ago. He’s thankful that the room is dim because if it wasn’t, the younger would’ve probably noticed how embarrassed he is at the moment, or how red his cheeks are. 

“It’s 2.10,” Soobin once again reminds the older.

“Well, we can be there by 2.30 if we move now.” 

“It’s only 5 minutes by car. Why 2.30?” Soobin asks as he gets up from the bed, walking to the closet to put on a hoodie over his pyjamas. 

“Walk,” Yeonjun replies in one breath, too quick even he’s shocked. “We walk.” 

Soobin looks at Yeonjun over his shoulder with an unreadable expression on his face. “No offence, but you’re crazy.” 

Yeonjun lets out a soft smile. “Maybe I am,” he says, shrugging as he walks over to the closet to put on a hoodie too. “None taken, though.” 

Little does Soobin know, Yeonjun’d walk to the end of the world if it meant that he’d get to spend more time with him.

“Jun,” Soobin grabs Yeonjun by the arm once they’re at the door. “Your mask?”

Yeonjun looks at the younger in absolute confusion. Brows furrowing, he asks, “What for?” 

It’s Soobin’s turn to be confused. Yeonjun takes the delay of reaction from him as a chance to grab Soobin’s hand that is on his arm and interlaces their fingers instead. He drags him out of the door, lock it and finally the walk to the convenience store begins, but not without Soobin wondering what Yeonjun has in his sleeve. 

It’s peacefully quiet in the rich neighbourhood—which makes sense because everyone is in the comfort of their beds at that hour—and in the midst of the bleak coldness, the only warm thing Soobin can feel is Yeonjun’s hand that is secured in his bigger one, and it goes straight right into his heart. 

It makes me him wonder then: _what are they exactly?_

If there weren’t any life-changing papers that stand between them, would they still be there—walking hand-in-hand at 2.24 freaking a.m. to a nearby 7-Eleven as if there isn’t a single worry in the world? 

Or is Yeonjun doing what he’s doing simply because their fate is at stake?

  
Soobin wonders if it really is difficult to choose a flavour of instant noodles to eat. He isn’t a picky eater, and Yeonjun isn’t either, but tonight he has been standing at the respective isle for a good five minutes and he still isn’t able to make a decision. The older has his hand on his chin while the other on his waist, and the younger only looks at him in delight from the side. 

“Jun,” Soobin says, his voice is laced with amusement. “It’s just instant noodles. Just pick one.” 

Yeonjun shakes his head furiously, eyes still fixating on the colourful cups in front of him. “It’s not just instant noodles, Bin. I came here with the spicy jjajang one in mind, and now that it’s not available, I have to decide what’s the second best to have tonight.” 

Soobin laughs softly, and though Yeonjun is absorbed and focused at the task at hands, he doesn’t fail to realise that that it’s the first time Soobin has laughed around him since the rumour broke out, ever since the papers existed between them. He turns briefly to the younger to mutter an _I miss your laugh_ while cupping the side of his cheek for a short while, before he shifts his attention back to the noodles. Yeonjun has a soft smile on his lips, too, feeling a tad too giddy to his liking.

Soobin turns into a soft red at the sudden confession, pretending to be interested in all sorts of beverages in the fridges at the next isle. He pulls the door open to grab almond milk for himself and banana milk for Yeonjun all in while having his head a bit into the fridge, hoping that the coolness that radiates within the fridge can cool his cheeks off. He doesn’t know if it works; he only forces himself to think that it does. 

3 minutes later, Yeonjun decides to settle for tteokbokki and triangular rice balls. Soobin only shakes his head, an amused smile plays on his lips, at the sudden change of mind. They walk to the cashier to pay, and the girl who’s in charge that night, can’t seem to take her eyes off Yeonjun. It makes sense to Soobin, because it’s the _Choi Yeonjun after all_ , and he doesn’t fail to notice how the girl let out a high squeal once they entered the store 15 minutes earlier, but it’s his husband we’re talking about here and who even _allows_ her to look at Yeonjun in such a way?

What puts Soobin into a rage is the fact that Yeonjun is very much oblivious to the shy smiles she shoots him, as well as the fake high-pitched voice she uses when she talks to him that the younger thinks is unnecessary. He frowns, and he doesn’t even bother to hide it when the girl throws a confused look to him. 

“Do you want me to re-heat the food?” she asks, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear, and at that act, Soobin unconsciously grabs Yeonjun by the waist in a quite obvious manner. 

Yeonjun turns his head to look at the younger, and Soobin gives out a sheepish smile. “Bug,” he says cheekily. “I saw a bug on your shirt,” and as if to make a point to his statement, he pretends to dust off the area of where he touched him just now. “There, all gone,” Soobin mentally thanks God for gifting him a quick brain and brilliant acting skill.

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything except for offering the younger a knowing smile. Perhaps Soobin’s smart, but Yeonjun isn’t at all oblivious when it comes to Soobin. 

“Mhm,” the girl clears her throat to gain their attention again. “Would you like me to re-heat the food for you?” 

Yeonjun smiles politely. “Yes, please.” 

Soobin frowns again before his lips form a pout. When the girl leaves to the other side of the counter to have the food reheated in the microwave, Soobin huffs in annoyance as he crosses his arms on his chest. Yeonjun shifts his gaze to the younger upon hearing the annoyed grunt he let out, and a chuckle escapes his lips. Yeonjun nudges the other on the arm, giving him a playful, teasing look. 

“Are you really feeling what I’m thinking you’re feeling?” Yeonjun asks, reaching out to fix Soobin’s hair that somehow sticks out at the end in such an adorable way, and Soobin wants to smack himself when he gives the girl who’s obviously peeking at that moment a winning look. He then looks at Yeonjun, and the smug expression he has on his face vanishes and is replaced with an annoyed one instead.

“Really? What do you think I’m feeling?” Soobin dramatically rolls his eyes, trying hard not to fall into a puddle of mess under his husband’s delicate gaze and distracting touch. He eyes the girl again, and the girl still has the same dreamy look on her face. Of course Yeonjun will be stared at in such ways; at the end of the day, he’s still the famous Choi Yeonjun. While Soobin’s used to that, there’s something about being out with Yeonjun at that hour, with the older dressed up in nothing more than a faded hoodie and baggy sweatpants, face bare that feels too _intimate_ to Soobin for him to share that Yeonjun with anybody else. 

However, he also knows that in whichever form Yeonjun is—simplest or the most extravagant—he’s still going to have him shared with the rest of the world, unless they’re in the four walls of their home. As much as he wants to be selfish and has Yeonjun fully all to himself, especially at such hour, he _can’t._ And, as if he’s struck by lightning as the reality is finally crashing in, he stands straight and flinches away from Yeonjun. He looks around, and he calms down at the fact that it’s just the three of them inside the store. There’s still the cashier, but perhaps they could have a talk to avoid her from leaking Yeonjun’s whereabouts later. 

Yeonjun frowns. “What’s wrong?” 

“Jun,” Soobin whispers worriedly as the realisation finally sinks in, “I know it’s very late but you could still be caught here with me, you know? You don’t even cover your face with mask like how you usually do,” at that, he then reaches over and pulls on the hood over Yeonjun’s head, internally scolding himself for being so careless and carried away with everything. He doesn’t want to risk anything and everything, now that he thinks it doesn’t matter anymore. 

“Oh, that,” Yeonjun replies, voice and gaze are way softer than cotton candy, “don’t worry about that, Bin. I’m on break, and if any photos or news of me are leaked online, the sources will be sued.” 

Soobin blows a raspberry. “Still, it could be bad for you to be seen here with someone else. What more when the recent rumour still hasn’t died down yet.” 

Yeonjun is about to reply when the girl calls for them from behind the counter. “Here’s your food,” she then shyly adds, “Can I please get a picture with you?” 

Yeonjun once again gives her a polite smile. “I’m sorry, but as much as I would love to, I can’t. I hope an autograph will do?” 

Soobin can see a hint of disappointment in her eyes, but she covers it well with a light squeal at the alternative offer. Soobin grabs the food while the older finishes off his mini-fan-meeting with the girl and walks over to the empty table at the store’s front. He takes a seat, hugging himself as the chilly air dances gracefully on his skin. Soobin wonders if it’s always that cold for he has never been out at that hour since ages ago. 

He then looks at Yeonjun through the tall glass windows from where he’s sitting, and how he’s now laughing and conversing with the cashier. It’s still unbelievable to him how they’re at a 7-Eleven at 3 in the morning, clear and obvious to be seen by literally anyone. Soobin wonders what really changes, or what causes the change, because the last time they had this spontaneous, small hours date was when he and Yeonjun were just a nobody—when their dreams were still out of reach. When both of them have become well known enough in their respective fields, dates have become a luxury that apparently both of them can’t afford. Soobin’s not tied to such condition (hiding their relationship from the public), but it’s a completely different case for Yeonjun. 

Quality times are spent mostly indoors—their home, specifically—and even if they go out for dates, they will always be short-lived and full of worries and anxiety. Covering themselves as if they are under some sort of undercover is a norm, and while day-dates are less than often, midnight dates are almost non-existent because the damage would be even worse. Soobin wants more after some time, now that the rumours involving his husband are surfacing, but he also wants to understand. It eventually eats him up inside out because he realises that he wants the world to know that _Choi Yeonjun isn’t just an all-rounder Choi Yeonjun, but he’s also Choi Soobin’s_. 

For the first time in his life, he wants to be selfish. He’s feeling selfish. 

However, he knows that it won’t be easy because while the entertainment industry doesn’t work that way, he knows that Yeonjun isn’t all ready to put his career at stake, too. He respects the decision, endures it for all that he can and that lasts for two years long, until he realises that he can’t, anymore. It’s bound to happen, he knows that well, but it never occurs to him that it will cause him a great pain throughout the process too. 

So, what now? He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t understand. He literally had stopped asking Yeonjun for dates because he was always going to be turned down, but honestly, what is going on now? Yeonjun initiated the date, and they’re there, and the older really lets himself to be seen as Choi Yeonjun and nothing else. What is that supposed to mean?

His gaze is then locked with Yeonjun’s who’s now walking out from the store, and at some point, the older winks. It catches Soobin off-guard and he almost snorts at the audacity, but his inner turmoil betrays him instead; his face flushes in red and his cheeks hot. He shoots a dagger to Yeonjun, who’s finally seated in front of him across the table. 

“It’s been a while, huh?” Yeonjun begins as he snaps the chopstick open. He then grabs a piece of the spicy rice cake and plops it into his mouth. His face then lights up at the taste. “Wow, I’ve missed this so much.” 

Soobin softens at the sight before his eyes. He then grabs one and nods in agreement. “I always tell you convenience store’s food is just as good as the restaurants’.” 

“I’ve missed this,” Yeonjun repeats for the second time.

“I know,” Soobin chuckles. “I’ve missed this, too.” 

“I’ve missed you.” 

Soobin looks up only to find the older is already staring at him. He gulps, heart is somehow beating fast under his chest and he feels that his rational mind is so close to betraying him—because now he’s starting to question the validity of his action too. He blames Choi Yeonjun for making him having second thoughts when he’s already made up his mind. He then wonders if he really has made up his mind because the other is _only looking and saying sweet nothings_ and he’s already in shamble. How _embarrassing_. It’s like high school all over again, but this time with a sense of familiarity. 

_Eat_ is what Soobin ends up saying, and he hears something within him cracks upon seeing the pain that flashes by Yeonjun’s eyes in that instant.

It’s 15 minutes to 4 when they decide to return home. They bought ice cream before doing so, and Soobin almost threw a fit when the cashier looked at Yeonjun as if the said guy is the one who puts all the stars in the sky. He wonders since when he gets disgustingly possessive; why is it only after he filed for the divorce? She also had the audacity to ask Soobin whether he was famous, too, because she claimed that she had seen him somewhere before. The younger only said that he wasn’t. 

Once they were out from the store and hit the road once again, Soobin was still pouting and nagging at the same time that Yeonjun had to shut Soobin up by saying that he only has his eyes for him and no one else.

Soobin thinks that perhaps Yeonjun really is the one who puts all the stars in the sky.

He remains quiet, until Yeonjun’s soft wince greets his ears. 

“Here,” Soobin offers his grape-flavoured ice cream to Yeonjun, refraining himself from laughing aloud. “Let me have yours.” 

Yeonjun looks at the younger with an offended look. “Do you think I can’t finish this? Do you think I’m that weak?” To prove his point, he bites off the red bean ice cream and tries hard not to react—not to _grimace_ at the taste—but of course, he fails terribly.

“Stop being childish and petty,” Soobin says, the teasing smile is still on the edge of his lips, and he grabs the red bean ice cream from Yeonjun’s hand and replaces it with his grape-flavoured one. “The next time you’re going ask to me for a date, just ask. No need to make up stuffs.” 

Yeonjun stops walking altogether once he hears what the younger says. His abrupt stop causes the other to stop walking as well, and he looks at him in confusion. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“The _next_ time?” 

Soobin’s face falls at the realisation. He awkwardly smiles. “I’m sorry, my bad.” _Of course there won’t be a next time_ , Soobin cusses himself for forgetting. 

_Or is there?_

Soobin hates how he begins to second-guess everything, and mostly, himself. Because, at this point, he doesn’t know what he want anymore. _This_ —tonight—is nice, and it’s like the good old times when the only problem they had was to decide what they were going to do in lives, and it wasn’t really a problem because unlike many others, they knew what they wanted to do long before they were needed to know what they wanted to. But, Soobin knows that things have changed, are changing, and he doesn’t want to settle for something _less_ simply because it’s damn _familiar_ —what more when he knows that he can get more, that he _deserves_ more. 

Yeonjun takes two long strides, and in no time, he’s standing in front of Soobin—too close the tips of their noses are almost touching. 

“Bin,” Yeonjun says, his voice is only above a whisper, his eyes gentle yet desperate. “ _Let’s begin again,_ ” short and simple, and though it’s only a whisper meant only for Soobin to hear, it’s screaming and demanding to be heard like fireworks during the night on New Year’s celebration. It’s quite an earth-shattering request Soobin really thinks the whole neighbourhood can hear it too. 

Under the billions of stars, Yeonjun grabs Soobin by the string of his hoodie, clumsy and definitely not graceful, and crashes his lips upon Soobin’s soft ones. It’s sweet—a strange combination of grape and red bean and banana milk and almond milk—with a hint of spiciness from the rice cake and rice ball, and it definitely isn’t ideal but it isn’t that bad either. It startles Soobin on the receiving end and he wonders what’s with the rush because the world is not ending though the ground beneath their feet feels like breaking apart, but as he closes his eyes, he finally figures it out.

_It’s not his world that’s ending._

It’s Yeonjun’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lighter chapter than the previous two because i thought our characters deserved a break (and you too) aha and i realised that i let most of the story known from soobin's view and i'll work on yeonjun's view soon too. and i have 35 kudos now! aaa thank you! i'm so happy! 
> 
> and can you believe yeonjun is officially 22 today let me cry in the corner 
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy this one as much as i enjoyed writing it, though it isn't much to begin with. show me some love juseyo!


	4. Chapter 4

_<https://open.spotify.com/track/3ee8Jmje8o58CHK66QrVC2?si=R6XWz9KnT1qwKbNaw6MadA> _

Soobin would be the biggest liar in the whole universe if he were to say that he doesn’t notice that after the night they went for the spontaneous convenience store date, Yeonjun has been extremely sweet and charming to the younger. He has always been (though only in their safest haven), but it seems like after that night, the degree to his sweetness has multiplied Soobin doesn’t know if he can actually take it. It’s surreal—he feels as if there are clouds beneath his feet and rainbows and glitters above his head. It’s still surreal, but _nice_ nevertheless.

He can’t really pinpoint the purpose of it all, but perhaps Yeonjun had casted a charm over his _let’s begin again_ request that Soobin thinks he is now under his spell for thinking that maybe the idea isn’t entirely all bad. Soobin blames no one but himself for having that undeniable weak and soft spot for the older. At another moment, he comforts himself by thinking that it really is okay because technically, Yeonjun is still his husband. The next moment, he thinks that he’s just blindly whipped for the other.

That night, after kissing for minutes with the gibbous moon and brilliant stars as the witness, they continued locking lips within the four walls of their home, making up for all the lost time for the past two months when Yeonjun was away for his drama filming. It was soft and innocent yet passionate, and when they went to bed with Soobin’s face on the other’s chest, arms on each other’s waists and legs tangling beneath the warmth of their comforter, Soobin thought that was how it was supposed to be—until the end of time. Until whenever. Until forever.

Yeonjun showered the younger with a lot of light kisses on his head, repeating a chain mantra of _I love you_ over and over again, voice muffled but was loud enough for Soobin to hear, and perhaps it made him to shed a couple tears here and there, but it was just that. Soobin finally said it back, and he could feel how Yeonjun’s lips curved upwards against his scalp, and though he didn’t remember much, he remembers drifting off to sleep in a dreamy state of euphoria; a smile hung loosely at the corners of his lips, too, and he really thought that was how it was supposed to be.

It was the most peaceful sleep they had in a while—in two months, precisely, because home is wherever the heart is, and they were together again.

They slept in until it was late in the afternoon, lazy, lopsided grin greeted Soobin first thing first when he opened his eyes, and he couldn’t help but to match that smile the older had on his lips. They had takeout for both lunch and dinner, kissing and cuddling on the couch in between bites of pizzas and fried chicken, watching whatever it was that was played on the TV. Yeonjun then suggested that they should do laundry when it was already 11:39 p.m. and though Soobin found it strange and random because it was almost midnight, he without many thoughts, agreed.

They did laundry, and while there was nothing funny, they kept giggling like some sick high schoolers who finally came across love for the first time. It was literally putting clothes in the machine, giggles, pouring in the laundry soap and detergent, kisses, watching how the clothes spun through the translucent glass, giggles and kisses and it went on like that for almost an hour. None was complaining.

“Why are we so gross?” Soobin asked, grabbing a handful of Yeonjun’s shirt around his neck to pull the older close, leaving a sloppy peck on Yeonjun’s lips. The clothes were in the dryer and they were waiting for them to be done.

“Why not?” Yeonjun returned the question, leaning in to steal another kiss from the younger. “I like being gross with you; it’s like my personality trait.”

Soobin wrinkled his nose, but he still had that stupid grin on his face. “That’s gross.”

Yeonjun scoffed at that remark, but he never judged how Soobin reached over to him to kiss him again for the nth time that night.

Two mornings after, Soobin returns home after having a meeting with his publishing company to Yeonjun curling on the couch in the living room. The older is sobbing and sniffling at the same time, a box of tissue is in his arms, a bunch of used, crumpled tissue lying lifelessly on the floor. The taller is dumbfounded at the sight before him, wondering what actually happened that causes his husband to cry not even halfway through the day.

Soobin rushes to Yeonjun, immediately kneeling on the floor and cups Yeonjun’s face in his hands all in while brushing the tears away with his thumbs. Yeonjun opens his eyes, and seeing how Soobin is staring back at him with that worried expression on his face, he can’t help but to sob even harder. He pushes himself up and throws his arms around the other’s neck, making Soobin to be worried even more.

“Jun, honey, what’s wrong?” Soobin asks, hands patting Yeonjun’s back in a comforting manner.

“I can’t tell you,” he answers in between sobs, voice little and tiny, so unlike Yeonjun who’s confident and assured all the time. Soobin would laugh if it weren’t for the worry that overpowers him as of the moment.

The younger tightens the embrace. “Why can’t you tell me, hm?”

“I can’t. I just can’t.”

“Did you hurt yourself?”

Soobin can feel the other shaking his head at the crook of his neck. At that, relief washes all over Soobin and he pulls away, his hands land on Yeonjun’s shoulders. He looks up at him ever so delicately, and he matches the pout Yeonjun has on his lips. “You can tell me. What made you cry?” at the question, Yeonjun’s eyes welled up even more before the tears raced down across his cheeks.

“Why can’t you understand that I _can’t_ tell you?” Yeonjun whines childishly as he emphasises on the word _can’t_ , throwing his arms in a frustrated manner all in while kicking the air at the same time that Soobin has to catch his hands from flailing in front of him

“Sometimes I forget who’s the older one in this relation—“

Yeonjun throws a light punch to Soobin’s chest. “What is that supposed to mean now?”

Soobin bites his lip in an attempt to refrain himself from bursting into laughter at the weak punch. He shakes his head instead and proceeds to hold the other’s hands. “You can tell me. Please. Why are you crying?”

Yeonjun stares at Soobin, and perhaps it’s in the way Soobin looks at him with such an encouraging yet soft gaze that urges him to speak up. He sniffles, “Re—“ and then a hiccup, “Really?”

Soobin smiles. “Yes, really.”

“You promise?”

Soobin links their pinky fingers to prove his point. “I promise.”

Yeonjun sniffles once more before he gets up from the couch, pulling Soobin behind him. The younger is confused but he never asks, until they reach the kitchen, and a burning smell starts to make sense to his system. Soobin stares at the back of Yeonjun’s head, who seems to be having second thoughts now, before he finally turns and points to the pan on the stove.

Soobin looks, letting everything to slowly sink in, and tries hard to stop the smile from growing on his lips. He finally understands the situation.

“Jun, what—“

Yeonjun begins with a visible pout. “I wanted to surprise you—“ a sniffle follows by a hiccup and Soobin completely melts at the sight, as well as at the confession. “I wanted to surprise you, by making pancakes, because I know you love—“ another hiccup, “them. I mean, I heard that you’d return home around this time, so I figured we could perhaps have pancakes for brunch before I take you out for lunch after, but you see, I—“ the tears flow again and Soobin pulls Yeonjun by the hand and engulfs him, chin on top of his head, a warm smile hangs on his lips.

“You did well—“ Soobin winces when Yeonjun lightly punches his abdomen at the not-so-honest compliment, “in not burning the kitchen completely, and for that, I really am thankful.”

“Binnie, please… shut up or else I’ll burn you too.”

Soobin finally laughs, his voice resonates within the kitchen as he cradles the one in his arms. It’s a known fact that Soobin is a better cook between the two, and it has become an unspoken vow between them that whatever business in the kitchen that involves the stove, Soobin will be the one to handle it. “Thank you for trying to prepare the pancakes for me. I appreciate it. I really do. But, honey,” he pulls away, stealing a kiss before he continues, “Let’s not do it again, hm? I love you from the bottom of my heart, but you really need to stay out of _my_ kitchen when I’m not around.”

Soobin dashes away before Yeonjun can throw him any other weak punches. Not that it hurts in any ways, but there’s something about teasing the older and sees how the glare he shoots from across the kitchen that make him giddy at heart. Yeonjun wipes away his tears, mumbling incoherent words that Soobin fails to catch before he goes to the stove and takes the pan to the trash can to dispose the burnt pancakes into it.

Soobin finally walks over, throwing his arms around Yeonjun’s waist as he scrubs the pan to remove the burnt pieces that are sticking on the inside of the pan. “Are you mad?” he places his chin on his shoulder, inhaling the familiar vanilla and honeydew scent that he loves so much.

Yeonjun huffs in annoyance. “Don’t talk to me. You’re not my favourite person today.”

Soobin laughs again, thinking that it’s okay because he’s Yeonjun’s favourite at any other day. However, that day when they have lunch out at a restaurant in a mall (in bright daylight and Yeonjun still doesn’t make an attempt to be somebody else but Choi Yeonjun), Soobin softens and melts all over and he thinks that Yeonjun really deserves all the good things in the world, though it means everything else but him. He leaves carefree Yeonjun for a short while, using his long legs to rush to a florist shop that’s located on the second floor.

“What’s this for?” Yeonjun asks in confusion when Soobin returns to their table, biting back his smile but he still reaches for the bouquet of dark red carnations that the younger is handing him. “What’s the occasion?”

Soobin shrugs. “That’s for not burning the kitchen.”

Yeonjun’s jaw drops. “You really aren’t my favourite person today.”

The smile that finally appears on his lips says otherwise though.

“Hyunnie,” Soobin says over the phone. “I don’t think I’d proceed with the divorce.”

“What? You’re in love with him again? That’s great, hyung!”

Soobin rolls his eyes at the question. “ _Again_? I wasn’t even out of love at the first place, you punk!”

It’s finally the last evening before Soobin’s departure for his book tour the next morning. The younger’s on the floor, a pile of clothes on his right side and a wide opened luggage on his left.

“Junnie,” Soobin chuckles. “You unfolding all these clothes I’ve folded and packed won’t change the fact that I’m leaving tomorrow,” he reaches over just so he can stop the older from messing up the clothes he has packed. It’s cute, really, but judging by how he’s leaving in less than next twenty hours, he doesn’t really have the time to entertain the older, not when it’s because of him who clung to him all day that Soobin couldn’t manage to pack everything earlier.

“Do you really have to go?” Yeonjun whines, pulling his hand before the younger can slap it away. “Why does it have to be you?”

Soobin softly laughs at the silly questions. “Because I’m the author of my own book?” Soobin answers though he sounds as if he’s questioning the other. “It’s going to be okay,” Soobin says gently as he gives a pat on the other’s cheek. “It’s only for a month and a half. We’ve survived longer than that.”

“But, Bin,” Yeonjun calls out, grabbing Soobin’s hands to hold in his smaller ones. Soobin looks at him once he realises that his voice is laced with worry and uncertainty. “Remember what you said? The paper…?”

“What pap—“ then it dawns on him, his lips immediately forms an ‘o’ before it spreads into a thin line. “We’ll talk about that once I’m back, hm?”

Yeonjun feels like crying out of the blue he thinks he’s crazy for being overly emotional for the past couple days. “Soobin, I’m _trying…”_

Soobin softens and nods. “I know, Jun. I know. I can tell.”

He’s telling the truth. He really can tell that Yeonjun is trying to _mend_ things between the both of them. The older really is trying, from the date night at the 7-Eleven and a few more dates at restaurants, cinema and even the famous Han River, and not even once he tried to hide the fact that he is Choi Yeonjun from the crowd, that it made Soobin to be a tad too cautious at the beginning. There wasn’t a lot of PDAs, but Soobin understood. It’s, after all, new to them, and Soobin really understands. While the photos of them aren’t leaked online, it’s Yeonjun who posted a photo of them together on his Instagram with a lame ass caption of ‘ _have a nice weekend, everyone!’_. People are surprised enough to learn that he’s actually _friend_ s with the rising author who has his latest poetry book on the shelves in the best-selling sections in various bookstores nationwide.

Soobin was surprised, too, and though he was tempted to do the same, he decided that he would save it for later.

“I know it isn’t much,” Yeonjun says once more, breaking the silence. “It isn’t much, but I’m trying.”

“Don’t worry about it too much, Jun,” Soobin reminds him, his fingers gently brush his knuckles. “I appreciate it. I really do. You know I do,” he brings Yeonjun’s hand to his lips and leaves a chaste kiss on it. “You have no idea how happy I am to have appeared on the famous Choi Yeonjun’s Instagram feed.”

“But, seriously though,” Soobin continues, his face stern, “do not touch my kitchen while I’m gone.”

Yeonjun yanks his hand away from Soobin’s grip, annoyed expression on display. “It’s been days, for God’s sake! Move on now!”

“Gyu!” Yeonjun sounds a little too joyous, a little too loud, that the younger on the other line has to pull the phone away for a couple seconds to ensure he won’t suffer from a broken ear. “Gyu! Beomie! I’ve been thinking—“

“For the love of God, stop screaming!”

“Right, I’m sorry,” Yeonjun lets out a giggle. “Well, I’ve been thinking, and I think I’m ready to, you know, let the fans know that I’m married?”

Beomgyu’s face falls. “Hyung, about that…”

If there’s anything that Soobin really knows, it’s that he never allows himself to be too happy because he believes sadness is more likely to follow after that. Perhaps the situations have been too good that he momentarily forgot about it, for he really thought things were finally falling into place.

They weren’t.

_What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck._

Staring at the phone in his hand with blurred vision and shaky hands, Soobin fights back the tears that are threatening to fall.

They weren’t falling into place, really, they weren’t.

They are _falling apart._

Soobin blames no one but himself for mistakenly thought, and believed, otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not very satisfied with this chapter but oh well :///  
> still, show me some love please! <3  
> and thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos on this fiction of mine! i appreciate it; i didn't have a lot of expectation for this one, but i have 55 kudos now and i've never been happier, so thank you so much for giving this story a chance! <333


	5. Chapter 5

_<https://open.spotify.com/track/45bE4HXI0AwGZXfZtMp8JR?si=OQ1s6tqpQYKYeQf48YmxSQ> _

“What the fuck, Binnie!” Yeonjun’s voice thunders throughout the living hall when Soobin’s harsh moves cause the vase at the middle of the table to fall and break. It shatters to tiny pieces on the cold marble floor, creating loud, strident crash upon it made contact with the ground. “Calm down! You’re going to hurt everyone at this point!”

Soobin laughs in disbelief. “Don’t you dare to tell me what to do!” he gets up from the couch to leave the suffocating space, but is pulled back to still rooted to where he’s standing.

Yeonjun grabs Soobin’s arm, preventing him from leaving when he isn’t done talking. “For God’s sake, can you please fucking listen to me?” he hates raising his voice; he never raises his voice to Soobin before, but the way the younger is acting at the moment is driving him _mad,_ though Soobin has the every right to do so. He only needs Soobin to spare him a couple minutes to listen, but why is he refusing to listen to him? Soobin has been listening to him for all his life; why can’t he listen to him for another 3 minutes, _for the last time_?

Yeonjun wonders if it’s too late. His heart aches so bad, burning and beating a thousand miles per second, waiting for it to tick and explode.

“You _told_ me nothing fucking happened!” Soobin shouts back, yanking his hand away from Yeonjun’s grip. “You told me nothing happened… but something did happen, Jun. Something did happen, I trusted you and you lied to me. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Soobin asks, a hint of anger and disappointment is evident in his voice. He harshly brushes his angry tears away with the end of his sleeves, his eyes and nose red. Soobin looks at Yeonjun with such malice and hatred, a look that breaks everything there is in Yeonjun, not that there’s much anyway.

 _At least I’m breaking_ , Yeonjun thinks, because he knows Soobin is no longer breaking. He doesn’t break, for he has nothing left in him to be broken anymore.

Yeonjun has made him numb.

Soobin then continues in a heartbeat. “Be honest with me, Choi Yeonjun. Do you think I’m stupid? Am I that easy to you? You must be thinking so,” his voice finally drops and breaks, and Yeonjun wishes he’d just continue shouting at him. “Just because I’ve been quiet for the past two years, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, Jun. It _fucking_ hurts, and when I thought that perhaps everything was finally shifting to how it was supposed to be, you were caught _kissing_ another woman. You fucking lied to me. It hurts so bad you have no idea.”

“She _kissed_ me, Binnie—“

“Don’t fucking call me that!” Soobin yells, but even so it sounds so _so_ sad to Yeonjun’s ears his tears finally spilled. Soobin’s not asking; he’s _begging_. “Please, don’t call me that anymore.”

Yeonjun wipes the tears with the back of his hand, taking a deep breath all along the way. “Yeji kissed me. She’s the one who initiated the move. I was too flustered and shocked to react, but I did push her away after that, Bin. I didn’t kiss her; I _wouldn’t,_ ” Yeonjun calmly explains though his voice is on the verge of breaking too. He takes a step ahead towards the younger, and it hurts him like hell when the other only takes a step back. “Soobin, please. It’s only a misunderstanding. It’s… nothing, I swear to God.”

Soobin fails to listen; he does listen, but he isn’t sure if everything makes sense to him at that point. It doesn’t make any sense to him; it’s as if his system has stopped functioning altogether—it’s almost as if he has stopped _existing_ altogether. He eventually sits again, shoulders slumped and back hunched, because his knees weak they can’t support him any longer. He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration; a headache starts to weight on him.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Soobin finally says, low and flat. He seems to be in dazed, struggling to stay afloat against his wild stream of thoughts, eyes distant in faraway. He looks at Yeonjun right in the eyes, his heart swells at the sight of the one whom he calls the love of his life, before he rubs his face in irritation. He looks up once more, mustering all the courage he has left from every fibre of his being and murmurs brokenly, “This is not what I want anymore.”

Unlike how it was minutes ago, Soobin sounds sad still, but this time with a bit more confident and certainty. Yeonjun’s heart drops, his face falls, and his entire universe collapses. He shakes his head, kneeling in front of the younger and encloses his hands around Soobin’s that are cold on his knees. “Soobin, please, I let you down,” Yeonjun can’t help sounding desperate because he’s nothing but desperate. “I know I let you down; I hurt you, I fucked up, but it’s never my intention to do all that,” he leans in, his head drops on their hands as he chokes on his own breaths and words. “But, please… for fuck’s sake, _please_ don’t leave me. I’m begging you.”

Soobin heaves a deep sigh, Yeonjun’s words barely sink in his system. “Get up, Jun. I have to go. Taehyun’s coming. My flight is in a couple hours and I have to make a quick drop to the company first,” Soobin thinks he’s really good at running away because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. He can’t face it; he can’t face Yeonjun, and running away is a way easier option at the moment.

Yeonjun shakes his head furiously, tightening their fingers together, “No, you can’t go. Please don’t go. I’ll do anything, but please, _please_ don’t go,” Yeonjun’s crying so terribly, his heart-wrenching cries filled the air, his whole body turns cold as if his soul has been ripped out from his core. “What the fuck. _Please,_ I don’t know what I’d do without you. You can’t leave me, Binnie. I’ll talk to Yeji, the company, I’ll fix this as soon as—“

“Jun, that’s enough,” Soobin sounds beat and defeated. He loosens their interlaced fingers, pulling the older up with him. “I know the past couple days have been good, but we can’t keep pretending it’s good when there are more beneath the surface. Just, sign the paper. You don’t have to make it harder than what it already is. Let’s just stop…” he breathes heavily as he finally takes notice at the throbbing pain at the sole of his left foot once he stands up. He lifts his foot and winces when he sees a few bloody cuts on his skin.

“Bin, you’re bleeding,” Yeonjun stammers shakily as he reaches out to remove the tiny, broken pieces from the younger’s foot. “You’re bleeding, oh God. Don’t move. Let me—“

Soobin stops Yeonjun’s hand mid-air. “I can do it myself,” he hastily removes the glasses, not giving much attention to the stinging sensation that radiates within his bottom half before he dabs the wounds carelessly with the hem of his sleeve. He moves to get the broom from the laundry room to clean the mess he made while Yeonjun stands at the side, looking at the younger wordlessly, tears don’t and won’t seem to stop anytime soon.

“Soobin hyung, Yeonjun hyung…” the soft voice that calls out for both of them from the door startles the two. Soobin turns to look over his head and an instant relief washes all over him because he really can’t stand being there alone anymore. He catches a glimpse from the open door and it’s still dark out. He wonders what time it is because Taehyun isn’t supposed to come until it’s 5 in the morning to help Soobin preparing things for the last time, as well as driving him to the company and airport after.

“Hyunnie,” Soobin greets, smiling a grateful kind of smile to the red-haired, though it looks more painful than grateful. “What time is it?”

Taehyun makes his way inside, glancing at the pile of broken glasses by Soobin’s feet before he walks over and takes the broom from the older’s hand. “Just get yourself ready; I’ll clean this up,” Taehyun mumbles under his breath, and though he has this overwhelming urge to bombard the two with questions, he realises that he needs to hold himself for a little while longer. He notices the sad, puffy eyes and drained expressions they both have on display, and it doesn’t take much of his brain cells to connect the dots that Yeonjun and Soobin have been up all night.

“And it’s 5:05 in the morning, hyung. So, you should be ready now if you don’t want to be late.”

Soobin finally leaves to get ready after Taehyun’s constant urge. Yeonjun moves to follow, but Taehyun tugs on his sleeve, and subtly shakes his head. “Give him space, hyung. That’s what he needs; that’s what you need too,” he offers the older a light smile and pulls him to sit on the couch. He goes to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and hands it to Yeonjun who’s fidgeting nervously on his seat.

“I heard from Gyu hyung that you planned to let the fans know you’re married,” Taehyun says, breaking the silence from getting too tense in the atmosphere. “But then that happened.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

Taehyun softens as he pulls to give Yeonjun a hug. While he knows that Soobin has suffered a lot more, but he also knows that Yeonjun is hurting too. The timing is off – like how the thunders are always a companion to the lightning but they never happen at the same time – and what happened to Yeonjun and Soobin is a real unfortunate event. He pats the other’s back, hoping that it will sooth him even for just a moment.

“I know you didn’t mean to.”

“I love Soobin.”

“I know that too, hyung.”

“But, I hurt him.”

Taehyun lets out a sorrow kind of chuckle. “You did, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less, does it? Sometimes you hurt people you love unintentionally, but perhaps Soobin hyung has had enough of everything too. However, I also know that he loves you more than himself. Two years ain’t short, hyung, and he picked you over pain time and time again, until well… until he _can’t_ anymore.”

Yeonjun pulls away and gives a desperate look to the other. “What do I do now? I can’t lose him. I don’t want to lose him.”

“I don’t have the answer to that,” Taehyun replies curtly. “No one has the answer to that, but you.”

“Hyunnie,” Soobin mutters once the car hits the road, looking at Yeonjun’s figure that’s getting smaller by seconds until he’s no longer in sight by the side mirror. “It _hurts_.”

“I don’t get it,” Soobin continues as he closes his eyes, letting the darkness and the coldness of the dawn as well as the AC to engulf him. “I made the attempt to leave him, to end everything, and it shouldn’t hurt me this much because I ain’t the one being left behind, but why am I feeling this way?”

“Just because you do the leaving doesn’t mean it’s going to hurt any less,” Taehyun answers briefly after giving it a thought. Truth is, he doesn’t know either. Emotions and feelings are more often than not too complicated to his liking that he prefers to not dwelling on them. He figures it’s pointless, and though he knows the walls around him are what keeping him apart from absolute happiness, he’s fine with it because they are what keeping the sadness away too. For him, it’s okay if he’s not happy as long as he’s not sad; he’s fine standing on the borderline.

“Then how do you know if it’s the right time to leave?”

“Well, perhaps when it hurts less leaving than staying.”

Yeonjun stares into the nothingness ahead of him with heavy and aching heart. Soobin has left almost an hour ago and honestly, he has no idea of what to do and what’s happening. Everything is all messed up and he wonders how the hell it gets to that extent, to that point. Soobin’s leaving the house for quite some time for the first time (all this while it’s just Yeonjun leaving for his drama filming and all), but there’s something about it that tells him that Soobin’s leaving for good, and that he won’t return anymore. At the thought, Yeonjun cries again, though silently this time. It hurts just as much though.

He grabs his phone, ignoring all the calls and texts he receives from Gyu and his agency, as well as Yeji, and logs into Twitter and searches himself on the search bar. As expected, the six-second clip of him and the said woman kissing at the table while having breakfast in one of the most luxurious hotels in Seoul filled the timeline. It has been viewed and shared by millions of users and to know that Soobin has somehow become one of the viewers causes pain to tug on his heartstrings.

Soobin doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve any of that.

“What the fuck did you do, Choi Yeonjun?” the blond mutters lowly to himself, scrolling and seeing how a lot of them are shipping him and Yeji, which doesn’t make sense, but he blames no one but himself because these people don’t know what they’re writing online. These people don’t know that behind closed doors, he belongs to someone else, though he’s not sure if he can say that he actually belongs to Soobin, that he still belongs to him.

All these regrets are starting to dawn on him, eating him from the inside like a parasite. He cries more and more, the clip keeps on playing and though his finger hovers over the cross button, he realises that pretending the video doesn’t exist won’t change the fact that it, indeed, exists and that though he never kissed the girl back, the kiss did _happen._ He can sue the original poster, and he’s sure his agency will do so in the nearest time, but what difference will it make?

Yeonjun gets up from the couch and walks to the bedroom, feeling a tad too stuffy in the living hall. Soobin’s screams and cries and the images of Soobin brokenly crying his heart out play in his mind like a broken record; it’s the most Soobin has ever cried, and he doesn’t think he can ever forgive himself for being the reason behind it. He sits on the edge of the bed, and it’s so overwhelming to him how the whole space smells like Soobin—a combination of clean, fresh laundry and old books and libraries.

It’s funny because it smells like home, but it isn’t exactly one either, for it isn’t home without Soobin. It’s just a trace that Soobin has left behind.

Cannot stand the quietness and loneliness anymore, he makes a call to Beomgyu. Within a few rings, the call is answered and the younger’s worried voice greets him first thing first.

“Yeonjun hyung, I’ve heard… are you all right?” Beomgyu asks softly. “I’m on my way to you.”

“Gyu… it’s strange… I think I’m hallucinating,” his voice cracks at the end and he fights the urge to sob more by biting the inside of his cheek. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m all ears.”

“It doesn’t make sense,” Yeonjun repeats, shaking his head at his statement, at the absurdity of his thought. “This house feels _bigger_ …” Yeonjun trails off, his eyes darting everywhere around the room, “somehow, it feels bigger than usual. Does it make sense to you?”

Beomgyu wants to tell him that it’s not the house that’s bigger; it’s _emptier._ He doesn’t, however, for he thinks that Yeonjun’s not up for the truth just yet.

Soobin stares at the screen of his phone while waiting to board the plane. Taehyun is nowhere in sight—he’s probably at the restroom— and he’s thankful for it because he doesn’t want to break in front of the younger, what more when they’re leaving the land in less than half an hour. However, he can’t ignore the growing pain under his chest, too, because it’s getting worse by the second that passes. He looks at the screen once more, at the news precisely, just to ensure that what he reads is mere illusion and not the very truth.

It’s not an illusion. It’s the very truth.

_[BREAKING] Choi Yeonjun and Hwang Yeji are officially dating; BigHit Entertainment and JYP Entertainment Confirmed!_

Soobin doesn’t even bother to read the rest of the article. His stomach churns uncomfortably and his breathing turns shaky and shallow it almost feels like his whole world is out of oxygen and he is dying.

Soobin wants to scream.

He tries, but only manages to let out a painful, heartbreaking whimper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god, have you seen yeonjun's black hair????? god, he's so good-looking! oh and please let me know whether you prefer to see how the characters doing (mostly yeonjun) or should i just write a brief one and time skip to when Soobin's back from his book tour? anyway, thank you for reading and feel free to scream at me because i hate myself too after reading back this chapter lmao


	6. Chapter 6

[shaun - way back home](https://open.spotify.com/track/3NxuezMdSLgt4OwHzBoUhL)

For CYJ,

These words are for you.

All of these words are for you.  
  
---  
  
Yeonjun stares at the acknowledgment page he’s on with something he can’t fathom just yet within his chest. All he knows is that it’s cold and warm, heavy and light, uplifting and shattering at the same time. It’s from Soobin’s latest poetry book that was released three months ago, a piece that he fails to read just yet due to his own workload. Soobin left him a copy, nicely signed with his own signature and a brief note of _i love you, husband! <3 _and though it’s just so simple, so straightforward, he knows Soobin means it just as much as the rest, perhaps more.

Scratch that, he knows Soobin means that the _most_ compared to the rest.

It’s almost unbearable for him to know that Soobin’s undying— _immortal_ —heartfelt confessions, thoughts, feelings revolving him were carved within all the pages in the book. He’s shaking slightly, realising that Soobin has turned him _immortal_ too, for as long as the book exists, he will too, until the end of time. Lump forms on his throat and saliva feels almost like sand in his mouth. A droplet falls from his eye, staining the page and the ink, and he immediately dabs the area to prevent his own tear to ruin something so sacred, so holy and pure.

It has been a week now—painful and dreading—since Soobin left and he really can’t reach the younger anymore. Taehyun’s nice enough to keep him updated, though too brief to Yeonjun’s liking, because the red-haired had made it clear to him that Soobin deserves more than what he gets up until that point. The first time Taehyun called him, he was lectured for almost an hour because the boy thought that the news really was unnecessary and though Yeonjun tried telling him that he had no clue what it was all about, he wasn’t buying any of it. Taehyun warned him not to mess up even more, and fix things when he still has the time.

Yeonjun knows that Taehyun isn’t one to pick sides, but he understands where’s the younger coming from. However, he also doesn’t know _how_ to fix things. He’s at a crossroad, and this time he can’t remain stagnant and static anymore, because now he’s forced to move—to make decision, to _move_ for real. The thing is, Yeonjun thinks he is, indeed, a coward. Greedy, even, to even make one.

Yeonjun knew right away that the agencies confirmed the rumours and speculations just for the sake of damage control, but Taehyun was quick to dismiss it and said that it was, undoubtedly, a wrong move. Taehyun really didn’t have to tell him that—it’s very much obvious to him, too, because it only adds the salt to Soobin’s already wounded heart. However, he also did not have much to say in that matter; he didn’t get to say _any_ in fact. The decision was made without him, and he was just as shocked when he read the article that morning. He knows, however, it was nothing compared to what Soobin was, or is, feeling. It’s incomparable.

Yeonjun also knows that if he were in Soobin’s shoes, he wouldn’t make it this far. He would’ve asked to go for separate ways too long ago. He wonders what took Soobin so long— _that_ long. Yeonjun really thinks that Soobin’s made with overflowing love and summer sunshine and absolute goofball with ridiculous height that he doesn’t think anyone would ever surpass, but on top of that, he’s made of never-ending selflessness, except that it’s ending—his selflessness and patience are about to run dry.

Yeonjun desperately wishes Soobin would be selfless for the last time. He _won’t_ mess up anymore. He knows it’s pointless, though, because when Soobin left the house without even sparing him a single glance, it’s like he was really leaving for good. It sends shivers down his spine at the thought that the next time he meets Soobin, it would be at the court.

The whole week, Yeonjun avoids everyone, only accepting calls and texts from Beomgyu and Taehyun, and though he’s miserably wishing and longing that Soobin would somehow make a call or send him a text, it’s proven only to be a wishful thinking so far. He can’t call or text the younger, because Soobin has apparently blocked his number. The only update he can get is through Taehyun, Soobin’s Instagram and Twitter, which doesn’t mean much because it’s not from Soobin directly, but for now, it’s better than nothing.

Heaving a deep breath, Yeonjun flips a couple pages, until he reaches to the first poetry.

_all these stars,_

_and yet none can compare to your eyes,_

_for they hold the most magnificent universe_

_i have ever seen before my eyes._

_–_ stargazing means nothing after you.

Choi Yeonjun begins to feel more and more undeserving of Choi Soobin.

On the other hand, Soobin is doing fine—or at least he’s _pretending_ to be fine—on a foreign land, far, far away from home, literally and figuratively. It’s not hard, pretending that is, because Soobin’s smile is too beautiful even his fake ones seem to be convincing. Though it doesn’t take much of him to be doing so due to his own packed schedule; meeting new, unfamiliar faces seems to be effective, because he loses Yeonjun in a thousand faces in an instant, and he forgets. However, when the curtain of nights drape over the bright daylights, that’s when the reality takes over, and Soobin’s forced to acknowledge the fact that just because he pretends that _it’s_ not there, doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s still there, still real, nevertheless, and the more he pretends, the more the truth seems to solidify itself.

“Stupid heart,” he mumbles, running his finger around the mouth of the glass, somehow creating a high-pitched sound that resonates loud enough to be heard by the bartender in the small jazz bar he’s currently in. “Who the hell even allowed you to be so careless?”

“Do you regret it though?” a voice, too silvery to Soobin’s liking because it’s just _too_ nice to his ears, interrupts his thought. He looks up from his glass, and a man he assumes to be around his age is looking back at him, smiling all in while skilfully mixing the colourful beverages behind the counter. “Being so careless with that stupid heart of yours?”

Soobin wonders if his thoughts were always that loud, or was it just him?

Soobin doesn’t realise he’s staring at the man whose blond hair is tied up into a man bun, though a small strand is falling at the sides of his face, and though it’s dim, his thin, almond eyes twinkle the brightest in the dark Soobin almost thinks that stars reside in them, which inevitably reminds him of Yeonjun. He shakes his head at the resemblance, realising that he’s probably missing the older a tad too much, now that he sees him in someone else too. He thinks he makes sense, now that it has been three weeks since he last saw Yeonjun, and unlike how it was all the time before, there’s nothing… at all. No calls, texts, even FaceTime. It’s the longest he has been without Choi Yeonjun, and it’s not pleasant, really. He has to bear it though.

“You’re staring,” the man chuckles, bringing Soobin back to earth.

Soobin sheepishly smiles, blood rushes to the tips of his ears. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re that famous writer, aren’t you?” the bartender asks, the smile never leaves his lips Soobin thinks it’s impossible. “Choi… Soobin?”

“Not that famous, I believe, since you yourself sounded uncertain.”

“I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself if I got the wrong person,” he lets out a small laugh, “I still would love to have your signature though. I admire your writings.”

Soobin smiles politely, bowing his head slightly. “Thank you. Meet and greet session is over though. I’m no longer Choi Soobin the writer, just Choi Soobin, so I don’t think I can give you one,” Soobin jokes.

The man brightens up Soobin has to wonder how he manages to notice that even when all there is just the dark, purple neon light that barely lights up the whole space. “That’s even better!” he beams as he reaches for another glass to complete an order that just comes up. “I’ll get to know you as a person then.”

Soobin really thinks he’s mishearing things due to the loud music that’s playing at the background. At another second, he thinks that what the man pulls off is kind of… smooth.

“I’m not the most interesting person there is to know about.”

“Your writings say otherwise.”

“That’s the writer in me speaking, not really me.”

“You’re speaking now, and I don’t think you’re less interesting than you as a writer.”

Soobin can only snort as a reply. Truth is, he’s speechless. He’s never good with strangers, and this one is way too bold for a first conversation and impression.

“Say, are you broken-hearted or something? Someone broke your heart?”

Soobin’s jaw drops at the accusation, though it’s entirely true on his part. “What makes you think so?”

“Just a wild guess,” the man shrugs as he hands the glass to a customer, thanking her once he receives a tip. “It’s more often than not that something that artistic comes up from a broken-hearted. Your writings, I mean, are artistic.”

“I wrote that when my heart was still whole, thank you.”

“ _Was?_ ”

“I can’t spill a lot to a mere stranger, you see.”

“You’re married, aren’t you?”

Soobin finds himself out of words again, frozen on the spot, neither nodding nor shaking his head. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s a well-known fact that he’s married though to whom is unknown; it’s that he doesn’t know _what_ to answer to that question.

“You know, sometimes people failed to _love_ you enough or _show_ that they love you enough, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you _with all they have_ ,” the man’s lips quirk up in a comforting, yet sad smile, and Soobin wonders if he’s broken-hearted, too. It makes him question: how does one pinpoint who’s broken-hearted from the ones who hearts are still whole? Is it as easy as recognising someone who’s dying?

“It’s Choi Yeonjun, right? The soloist slash actor?”

That really catches Soobin off-guard. He looks straight at the bartender, body goes cold altogether and he’s tongue-tied for the third time of the night, if he counts correctly. His back shoots straight up, his heart does that acrobatic flips under his chest. How on earth does someone know so much about his private life? Hadn’t they been careful enough?

“Again, what makes you think so?” Soobin mutters, fidgeting nervously on the stool, hoping that the other won’t hear the fast and loud beating of his heart. “It can’t be another wild guess.”

“The initials, in your book, _For CYJ_. He posted a couple photos of you and him together on his Instagram—“

“He _what_?” Soobin has to cut him off because as far as he remembers, the latest photo Yeonjun had posted was the one before they had the fight. After that he has forbade himself to never stay a little too long on social media, and he avoids the news on TVs as well as the newspapers, only asking Taehyun for updates that really are _important._ The younger, without much words, understood. Hence, when the bartender drops the bomb just like that, he can’t be even more shocked. “He did _what_ again?”

“Photos of both of you; there are more on his Instagram now,” the man repeats, “I figured right away because of the initials you wrote in your book. It’s quite obvious, if you look close enough. I mean, things are always obvious enough if you pay closer attention to them; but perhaps it’s obvious because I’m quite a big fan of both of you. That’s more likely.”

Soobin feels his heart flip again, this time worse than before. Out of nervousness, due to the fact that this stranger now knows what’s supposed to be confidential. Due to the fact of whatever it is Yeonjun is doing. More on the latter though, Soobin hates to admit.

“How much do you want?” Soobin asks reluctantly.

“I won’t snitch, if that what you’re thinking. I don’t have evidences to support my claim. However, since you asked, an autograph with a photo will do,” the man replies, his tone is playful yet sincere enough Soobin doesn’t even have the time to doubt his statement.

They talk more and more, as the night grows deeper and deeper, and by the time he leaves to his hotel (not before signing his signature on a piece of tissue with a lip tint the other owns and a couple selcas), he brings with him a name and a phone number.

Soobin learns that the man’s name is Hyunjin, and the next day when he’s at the airport waiting for his flight departure, he receives a notification from Instagram, mentioning that someone has tagged him in a post. He thinks it’s another fan tagging him from the meet and greet session, and so he logs into his account, and is surprised to see that it wasn’t any photos from the session, but rather a photo of him and Hyunjin smiling from ear to ear with the typical ‘peace’ sign in front of the bar last night. Sliding to the left, the next photo appears, in which it turns out to be the tissue with his signature on it. He captioned it with:

> _made a new friend last night, @chsoobin :D_

As he flies high in the heavenly blue sky, floating in between the cotton candy clouds that seem too good to be true but real anyway, what Hyunjin said plays in his mind.

_You know, sometimes people failed to love you enough or show that they love you enough, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have._

_You know, sometimes people failed to love you enough or show that they love you enough, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have._

_You know, sometimes people failed to love you enough or show that they love you enough, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have._

An unreadable smile finds its way on Soobin’s lips, and perhaps he has considered Hyunjin to be a friend after the many hours they spent talking (not long, but still), he finds himself following back the other, as well as posting the same photo on his feed once the plane lands on his next stop, Singapore. He realises that he never answered Hyunjin’s initial question, the first out of many, and so he figures he’ll answer it now. He captions:

> _To answer your question last night, I don’t regret it. Any of it. I don’t regret being so careless with this stupid heart of mine. In fact, I think it’s the best decision I’ve made—careless and reckless, but I’d rather be that than anything else._ _😊_ _Until next time. @hyunjinhwan9_

_i’ve been uncertain for all my life,_

_it gets to the point in which i think_

_my life is made of all uncertainties,_

_that it makes me wonder whether_

_i’m a sure being,_

_or am i just another uncertainty that_

_i am yet to figure out._

_but you,_

_you,_

_you,_

_you are a sure being,_

_my sure thing,_

_among all these uncertainties._

— i have never been so certain, until you happened.

That night, Yeonjun sleeps with Soobin’s love letters in his arms. The bed feels too huge, half-empty not half-full, and once the night settles in rather quietly, he wonders if Soobin misses him too. And if he does, is it just as much as he misses him? He figures that surely he loves Soobin a little too much, but at that moment, he feels like none can top how much he misses his giant bunny, and how everything becomes clearer day by day.

Perhaps the best way to appreciate something, or in this case, someone, is to be without them for a while.

Choi Yeonjun is determined to make it right.

After all, Choi Soobin is Choi Yeonjun’s sure thing, too.

“That’s not for you to decide, hyung,” Beomgyu says once Yeonjun voices out his thoughts and feelings. It’s the 25th night of Yeonjun repeating himself, telling the younger that he doesn’t deserve Soobin, not now, not ever. “It’s for _Soobin_ _hyung_ to decide. It’s never your place to decide whether you deserve him or not. It’s what he thinks whether you deserve him or not that matters.”

“How is it possible for me to want him all by myself though knowing I don’t deserve him?”

Beomgyu heaves a sigh, shooting a look to the older who seems to have gotten worse in comprehending what he says. “Again, it’s not for you to decide, though I understand your point,” he murmurs quietly, his breath fogs up in front of him before it dissipates into the chilly air. “It’s human’s nature, I think, to want someone though you’re not confident you deserve them. However, you gotta prove that you deserve them anyway, just as much as how you want them.”

“I see he’s gotten pretty close with that pretty guy,” Yeonjun rolls his eyes at the thought of the frequent friendly exchanges between Soobin and Hyunjin. “I hate it.”

Beomgyu laughs teasingly as he punches Yeonjun’s shoulder in a playful manner. “Now you know how it feels to have a little competition, huh?”

“I’m _prettier,_ ” Yeonjun replies almost instantly in annoyed voice. “There’s no competition whatsoever.”

Beomgyu’s laugh then fades into a thin line, though a small smile still hangs on the edges of his lips. He reaches out, ruffles Yeonjun’s hair from the side, and the older seems to be taken aback by his action. It’s the first time ever the younger has ever done that; he’s always playfully rough by nature, rarely showing his affection though he knows he really cares. He stares at his best friend, quirking up a brow in confusion.

“Don’t take things for granted, hyung,” the younger reminds wistfully, his voice is coated with mild yearning and longing that Yeonjun doesn’t know belong to Beomgyu; it doesn’t sound like him at all. “Perhaps you have never been in a position where you feel like you’re going to lose anything— _anyone_ —or maybe you think everything’s secured once they _belonged_ to you, but if you aren’t careful enough, they might slip from your fingers. It’s possible.”

Yeonjun remains silent for some time before he turns to look at Beomgyu with such twinkles and delight in his eyes that the shorter hasn’t seen after Soobin left.

“What?”

Yeonjun can’t help smiling, _giggling_ , and even bounces a little. “I think I know what to do.”

Beomgyu tilts his head to the side. “You’ve done everything… I think.”

The blond shakes his head enthusiastically. “ _Not_ everything. Not yet, at least.”

_there was a boy whose existence was nothing more than a vast universe of oblivion. he was neither a moon nor the star; he was just a tiny speck of dust within the galaxy, straying further and further, unnoticed and unworthy. or so he thought. came another boy one day, whose existence was nothing more than a vast universe of oblivion, too. hand in hand, they strayed and strayed, further and further, aimlessly but away they went, together. eventually having their worlds revolving around each other, the former realised that he needed not to be the moon nor the star, for even if he was only a dust, the latter still loved him the same. unnoticed and unworthy no more; noticed and worthy he felt—loved, the most. for the first time in forever, he never wished to be something else; for the first time in forever, he was enough._

—our story (thank you, you, for being you).

Yeonjun posts a picture of the setting skies from a shabby rooftop he used to go with Soobin back in high school many years ago on Instagram. Their start line. He writes:

> _thank you, you, for being you, my sure thing._

Yeonjun tags Soobin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa i had fun writing this one, so i hope you enjoyed it as much as i had fun writing it too! thank you for reading and leaving me comments; they always make my day and encourage me to write. i think it almost comes to an end now? maybe a couple more chapter. anyway, if i were to write another yeonbin ff/au after this one, would you still be there? :((( 
> 
> p.s. i'm deeply sorry for the poor attempt at prose and poetry aha ha ha


	7. Chapter 7

[get it right - glee](https://open.spotify.com/track/3qsmWkxmYcBcRqPdJJdtaH)

Somewhere during the fourth week, Soobin figures that he indeed doesn’t know what to do with the fact that Yeonjun has now somehow stepped up his posting game on Instagram. He’s way more active than he was back when he had his comebacks, or the airing of his dramas, that Soobin is clueless with what the other has in his sleeves. He’s never prepared for the day to come, because he never thinks that it would come, but now that it’s a _lot,_ it makes him even more confused than flattered. He’s not a fool; he somehow has a clue, but really, _why now?_

Soobin heard from Taehyun that both of their fans are speculating that there’s something going on between the soloist and the writer. That makes sense because all the captions on Yeonjun’s posts were taken from his poetry book, and they were all his confessions to the other that he failed to say in person. However, there are people who deny the rumours, for Yeonjun and Yeji are _dating,_ and they mostly come from the shippers _._ Soobin scoffs aloud when he finds out, his whole being is burning, that Taehyun literally has to shove a whole cold water down his throat.

“That’s still my husband they’re talking about,” Soobin says through gritted teeth, wondering if the water is bitter or is it just him. His fingers unconsciously curl into fists. “Yeonjun and Yeji _are dating_ ; what kind of bullshit is that? That’s another level of clown—”

“I know, hyung,” Taehyun replies as he cuts the older off, failing to hide the amusement that’s coating his voice. “I get it, you’re jealous—“

“Of course I am!” Soobin growls, punching the bed in a frustrated manner, as he looks at the red-haired that sits across him on another bed. However, in that split second, his expression softens before his lips form a frown, his eyes turn glassy. “What have I gotten myself into? I’m starting to regret everything. It hurts just the same before and after.”

Taehyun tilts his head to the side, contemplating and weighing on his words because relationships aren’t exactly his forte, but he really wants to help the other. After all, Soobin and Yeonjun are the happiest when they’re with each other, and it’s obvious at this point that these two aren’t ready to be apart. If Taehyun is to be frank, he doesn’t think they’ll ever be ready for that. As much as he hates seeing Soobin hurting now, he knows it’s going to hurt him more if the divorce really takes place.

“Hyung, it’s just a question, alright? I’m not judging you or anything. I just want to understand you and the situation better.”

“Shoot.”

“Well, I don’t really get it,” Taehyun trails off as he still can’t quite grasp on how to word all the words in his mind into comprehensible sentences, but under Soobin’s encouraging gaze, he slowly spills, careful and cautious as if one wrong word would break open the dam of tears Soobin’s holding behind his coffee-coloured orbs. “It hurt before, and it hurts now, and it’ll surely hurt in the future too because I know there’s no way you’re letting Yeonjun hyung go under your own will; it’s all driven by the circumstances. My question is, why would you suffer alone when you could suffer together, knowing that it all hurt the same?”

Soobin seems to be taken aback by the question because 1. Taehyun has never questioned the rationality behind Soobin’s every action and that’s plainly because he believes that Soobin is very much mature and emotionally independent on his own, and 2. Taehyun, somewhat, _makes sense_. He lets everything sink in though slowly; quietness engulfs the room in a comfortable manner though the question makes Soobin definitely uncomfortable. He ponders and ponders as he stares at the ceiling as if the answers he’s looking for are written all over it. He thinks that perhaps the pain would hurt less when it’s shared, but really, _what has he gotten himself into?_ His judgment is clouded by his own wants and emotions, and he too is stuck at a crossroad.

Things are no longer black and white. Things are no longer clear and apparent. Things are grey.

“Taehyun?” Soobin calls out, sounding so firm and serious.

“Hmm.”

“Did you just brainwash me? Because if you did, then it’s working.”

Taehyun cackles. “I didn’t. It was a genuine question from my part.”

“Hyunnie.”

“Hmm.”

“I _can’t_ think,” Soobin confesses, his voice is only above a whisper as he stares at all the nothingness ahead of him. “I mean, I can. I definitely can. But, I don’t know _what_ exactly to think of; what I really _need_ to think. Do I make sense?”

Taehyun walks over and slings his arm around Soobin in an attempt to comfort the other. “Of course you do. You’re at a point where you really are confused with everything because your emotions are involved. The love is still there; the despair is, too. You want things to be better, but you also can’t stand the pain that comes from the whole situation either. From what I see, it’s almost like a gamble—the situation you’re in—to see how much more you can take or to end it once and for all. I would be confused on what to do if I were you too.”

Soobin hums in agreement as he leans comfortably to the younger, shifting his weight entirely. “I hate the fact that I’m not able to think straight anymore. I wasn’t one who put emotions before logic. I put my emotions first and now everything’s a mess. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

“Okay, hyung, ask yourself this: what do _you_ want?” Taehyun softly asks. “What do you want? Now that you’re away from him; you’ve cut all the direct connections from him, and it has been a month since you two talked, time and space have been given to both of you and it’s all thanks to this book tour of yours,” he rubs Soobin’s back in circular motion comfortably, “so, what do you want? I know Yeonjun hyung is pushing his best to win you back, and I heard from Gyu hyung that there isn’t a day that he goes on without talking about you, and I know he’s _trying_ his very best for you, but what about you?”

Soobin breathes heavily, finally feeling the weight of the world shifting on his shoulders at the realisation. “I really don’t know.”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Taehyun comfortingly says, his gaze soft and gentle on Soobin’s side profile. “Take your time to think and decide. You have another 2 weeks to really consider everything through, to think whether Yeonjun hyung’s best effort is _best enough_ for you to withdraw the request or not. I’m sure whatever it is, everyone’s going to respect your decision.”

Soobin doesn’t really know what to do; all he knows is that he’s not ready to let Yeonjun go just yet—perhaps never.

“Can you please stop giving me a headache?” Beomgyu asks lowly though in clear irritation once he and Yeonjun leave the boardroom. The two were called for an urgent meeting with the staffs of the agency, as well as the CEO, and while it usually scared Yeonjun to death when that happened many times before, he came to the building that morning in an easy heart and mind. Beomgyu found Yeonjun’s behaviour strange, and he really couldn’t blame the younger, for he found himself weirded out by the absurdity of the whole situation too.

“How exactly am I giving you a headache?” Yeonjun asks in genuine curiosity, entering the elevator with Beomgyu by his side. He presses the button, and watches how the all the floors before him changes through the transparent glass.

“You know what I mean,” Beomgyu says, a hint of annoyance is still evident in his voice, though he sounds almost whiny to Yeonjun’s ears too.

Yeonjun shoots the other a brief stare before the door opens and the two step out of the elevator. They walk in silence to the car that’s parked in the basement; Yeonjun then throws his car key to Beomgyu so that the other can drive. “You drive.”

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about,” Yeonjun continues from where they left off once Beomgyu begins to drive their way out of the building. “Let’s have lunch first before we head home.”

“What do you want to have?”

“I’m craving for some Italian food.”

“Is Marco Polo Kitchen okay with you?”

“Sure.”

Beomgyu hums in acknowledgment as he drives to the one of the best Italian restaurants in town; his eyes focused and fixed on the road.

“Back to the topic,” Beomgyu begins as his tone’s back to annoyed. “What I meant before was, stop doing things that will get both of us in trouble. Do you know how tiring it was for me to listen to their nagging simply because they couldn’t reach you for the past few weeks? And even when they managed to reach you, it was me who was bombarded with most of the questions because I was supposed to take a good care of you and yet you’re out here acting all reckless and careless.”

Yeonjun side-eyes the younger with a frown on his lips. “And _how_ exactly am I, quote, acting all reckless and careless, unquote?”

“All the posts on Instagram!” Beomgyu states in a matter-of-fact, shooting a glare to Yeonjun that he fails to catch as he has his eyes on the scenery outside. “People are speculating things, hyung. There aren’t many great things that have been said, especially about you because you are supposed to date _Hwang Yeji_ , _not Choi Soobin_.”

“ _I’m married to Choi Soobin_ , not Hwang Yeji,” Yeonjun interjects almost immediately, giving an emphasis to Soobin’s name as a wave of unknown emotions bubbling under his chest at the declaration. He wonders if it’s always that easy to admit that. “I’m only doing what I’m supposed to be doing since the very beginning.”

“ _I know_ ,” Beomgyu sighs in frustration as the weight of the situation makes way into his mind space. “However, you need to be more careful of what you put out there. It’s not only about you. Soobin hyung is involved, Yeji-ssi as well. You need some time for your dating news to die down. You need to have the agencies confirmed that you two have broken up. Only then you can reveal the truth of everything. You can’t marry and date two different people; people are going to talk. You, out of all people, know how things work in this industry.”

Yeonjun shakes his head; a melancholy smile decorates his lips. “I don’t have that much time for all of that, Gyu. Soobin’s coming back next week and time is running out,” he mutters with a hint of regret. “Besides, all of this happened because I conformed to what the industry wants, not mine or Soobin’s. It’s a mistake from my part.”

“Doesn’t it scare you?” Beomgyu pushes further. “You saw how messy the situation was that both agencies had to pull the yes-they-are-dating card to lessen the damage, and with what you’re doing right now, doesn’t it scare you at the possibility of the board members pulling something even more damaging to your relationship with Soobin hyung?”

Yeonjun ponders at the question for a while before he nods his head at once. “It _does_ scare me,” he admits the truth. After all, his career is at stake too. “It does, but the thought of having to live without Soobin by my side scares me even more,” a vast of sadness tugs on his heartstrings at the thought. “I know people are going to talk and hate because that’s what they’re best at anyway, but I really _can’t_ imagine how I would be, how my life would be, without Soobin,” Yeonjun lets out the heavy breathe that he’s been holding the entire time. “So, you know, just… _fuck it,_ really.”

Beomgyu figures that there’s no point of talking Yeonjun down anymore.

“Shouldn’t I be leaving?” Beomgyu murmurs nervously at the sudden appearance of Hwang Yeji before the two of them in the VIP Room in the restaurant. He takes a glance at the sophisticated woman, dressed very much elegantly in her designer clothes, not a hint of smile behind her red-tinted lips. Still, being as polite as ever, Beomgyu still flashes a small smile to her. “I can wait outside,” the younger offers.

Yeonjun shakes his head, grabbing Beomgyu’s arm to hold him back to his seat when the other tries to leave. “No, stay. You’re going to put yourself through another headache if people see it’s just me and Yeji here,” Yeonjun teases, and Beomgyu rolls his eyes at the remark.

The blond then shifts his gaze to Yeji who doesn’t seem to be at all happy to be there. Yeonjun has invited her for lunch, out of the blue, after being ghosted for the past weeks. Her calls remained unanswered, her texts were left seen. All the attempts she made to reach him out on social media went down the drain because he was just as unresponsive. It doesn’t help to cool her down when seeing how active Yeonjun is, especially on Instagram. It hurts her ego and pride because she had never had to _chase_ after anyone before. Perhaps that’s why Yeonjun has always been interesting to her; he isn’t just a colleague—she sees him as a challenge too.

“Yeji,” Yeonjun nods in her direction. “I hope you’re fine with Baked Penne Carbonara? I ordered the appetizer platter and Bruschetta too. They should be here in a while.”

Yeji props her chin on her palm, looking straight into Yeonjun’s eyes. “What game are you playing right now?” she shoots the question, doesn’t even bother to beat around the bush anymore. “It’s been a month and everyone’s been talking but us.”

Yeonjun stays unwavering under Yeji’s cold stare and equally cold voice. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes in all sincerity because he really is sorry for everything. “I’ve been too focused on something—someone else—that I forgot about everything else in the process. I really, truly am sorry. I know I can’t reverse anything, but I’m really sorry.”

Yeji’s expression remains stoic, unamused and definitely not buying the apology. “I can tell, and though it’s very much humiliating for me, I don’t mind putting this behind us so we can—“

“Yeji, we’re not _dating_ ,” Yeonjun states the obvious rather calmly. “I don’t know what the directors of your agency have been telling you, or are telling you, but we’re not dating. The news was merely up because the directors thought it would be the best move to make as a follow up for the video that was leaked online. I don’t know how it was for you but I didn’t get any say in that matter; if I did, I would never agree to it.”

“Choi Yeonjun, if you haven’t realised yet, we have to keep this up,” Yeji says lowly, her calm façade is about to wear off at the subtle humiliation Yeonjun’s serving her, though it’s never his attention to do so. “Real or not, we have to keep this up for a couple more—“

“I can’t,” Yeonjun once more cuts her off. “I _can’t_ keep this up. It should never happen—“

“That’s too bad,” Yeji can’t keep the words all to herself because many are desperate to be out in no time. She huffs, eyes boring into Yeonjun. “The news was up, was confirmed, and if we don’t comply to what has been planned by the directors, then it’s not only my image and reputation will be ruined, yours will—“

“I’m _married_ ,” Yeonjun announces in a heartbeat, almost too proudly, definitely too boldly that it silences the whole space. Yeonjun can see in his peripheral vision that Beomgyu chokes on the chicken tender he’s chewing and if it isn’t for the seriousness of the situation, he will most probably burst into a fit of laughter. “I’m married,” he repeats, the same confidence from moments ago still lacing his voice. “Now, I hope you understand why I can’t—“

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

Yeji fakes a laugh at the absurdity of Yeonjun’s statement, reaching out to take a sip of water from the glass at her side. “Are you pulling a prank on me? There’s no way you’re married and are able to hide it from everyone.”

“We have our ways.”

“You don’t make sense at all.”

“I do, but I understand if you think otherwise.”

Yeji’s fingers itch to do something beyond her rationality upon seeing the calmness that embraces Yeonjun’s features, a total opposite of what she’s feeling at the very moment. She unconsciously grips the glass a little too tight that Yeonjun thinks she might break it eventually.

“I don’t believe any of this,” Yeji concludes, shaking her head while her eyes turn glassy due to the angry tears that are starting to pool in her eyes, all the possibilities of her downfalls flash by her mind. “You’re stooping so low just so you can get out of this mess. Am I that bad of a person that you’re going to that extent so you won’t have to even fake-date me?”

Yeonjun’s face falls at the accusation. However, he’s quick to flash an apologetic smile to the woman across him. “You’re not a bad person, and I’m definitely not making this up,” he explains, speaking ever so gently he wonders where all the patience even come from since he doesn’t have much to begin with. He thinks perhaps it’s something to do with Soobin, _his_ lovely Soobin, for he’s enduring this all for him.

At Yeji’s silence, Yeonjun continues. “I’ve been married to the love of my life since 4 years ago, 6 since we first started dating,” he reveals with such fondness. “I’m not lying. The stunt you pulled—the one that was caught on camera—was the last straw, and my marriage is on the brink because of that. I don’t want to further complicate things and hurt him anymore.”

Yeji can only scoff and she’s loss at words. She can only stare right on Yeonjun, internally cussing him aloud because as much as she wants to not to believe him, there’s something in the way he talks about his significant other that makes her believe, even just a teeny tiny bit.

“Besides, Yeji, no one will blame you, really,” Yeonjun reassures though his eyes and smile sad and nonchalant. “It’ll appear as if I were the one who’s messing around, you know, for fooling with someone else when I have my own special somebody. You don’t have to worry about your image and all, because I’ll make sure to take all the blame. I’ll even hold a conference just so I can clear things out. I promise you that.”

“Your image, what about it?”

“Trust me, after him, all of that doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

Yeji is mad, honestly, but with all of her thoughts racing in her mind as if they’re in some sort of marathon, she can only come up with a question. “Who is he?”

Yeonjun isn’t expecting the question, for all he thought was coming was Yeji’s outburst. He’s dumbfounded for a moment, but in the next an affectionate smile slowly breaks through his lips. “Soobin,” he answers, eyes twinkling in such delight that Yeji has never seen on anyone before—he looks as if he’s very much grateful that it’s Soobin and no one else it makes Yeji jealous.

“Choi Soobin,” he repeats, this time with a full name, with full pride bursting through and through.

“I don’t know whether to say that went well or not,” Beomgyu comments once Yeji left, but not without shooting him the fieriest, dirtiest glare, but Yeonjun’s too _relieved_ to care. “Do you think she’ll tell the truth before you can do so? She won’t reveal the fact you’re married to Soobin hyung, right?”

Yeonjun tilts his head, pursing his lips. “Who knows? Perhaps, perhaps not. I don’t care much honestly; it’s bound to happen eventually.”

“She really looked like she could kill you.”

“I know,” Yeonjun replies, shrugging his shoulder before he begins to dig in the food. “Now that I’ve talked to Yeji, I finally can make my last move on my main target, Choi Soobin.”

Beomgyu wrinkles his nose, feeling that the other is up to something again. “What are you planning to do?”

“ _Something_ ,” the older grins mischievously, a glint of playfulness shines behind his eyes. “Eat more, Gyu. You need to be all well and full and happy for all the headaches I’m about to put you through.”

Beomgyu’s jaw drops. “What—“ he stammers. “Don’t tell me you’re going to pull some k-drama shit moves and—“

“Oh, I _really_ am going to pull some k-drama shit moves,” Yeonjun confirms. “You have another week to brace yourself.”

Yeonjun uploads another photo of Soobin and him together at the comfort of their home; Soobin had both of his arms slinging around Yeonjun and they both were laughing after having the younger to beat him in a video game. It was a candid shot by Taehyun. That night, his caption is:

> _if you and i are together, we can run across the sky._

Yeonjun tags Soobin.

He honestly doesn’t know what he’s doing at that point because it’s just another _fuck it_ moment in his life, but he hopes it’s good, and he hopes it’s good enough for Choi Soobin. He hopes that Soobin can see that he's trying to make it better, piece by piece.

> **_chsoobin_ ** _commented: i don’t like running though?????_

* * *

hello! first of all, i would like to say thank you for reading and commenting, whether on here or on twitter. you all really, really make my day and i can't thank you enough. i hope you enjoy this chapter as much as i enjoyed writing it. as you can see, i can't really make it all angsty; i MUST include some fluff too ahaha i can't help it, so here it goes.

and i also have posted the new yeonbin au here on ao3, so if you're interested to read it, here's the link: [the moment i saw you (the magic began)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26628790/chapters/64931977) i hope to see you there as well! :D


	8. Chapter 8

[lucky - jason mraz & colbie caillat](https://open.spotify.com/track/2qLMf6TuEC3ruGJg4SMMN6)

**chyeonjun** d-7 the magic began the moment i saw you. @chsoobin

Soobin stares at the screen of his phone in a bewildered look. His mouth feels dry, unlike his eyes that turn moist, heart thumping wildly, but not uncomfortably, in the inside of his ribcage. It’s a picture of healthy-looking plants that Soobin has grown in their little backyard, and it’s most probably _stupid_ because it’s just a picture of his beloved _babies_ (yes, Soobin called them babies) but it really warms Soobin’s internal in such an indescribable way. The caption really doesn’t correlate with the picture, but Yeonjun mentioned him, so he figures that it’s meant for _him_ , not the plants.

So, he comments on the picture:

they’re pretty!

Not even a minute later, he receives a notification from Instagram:

 **chyeonjun** mentioned you in a comment: @chsoobin i did a good job in taking care of them, didn’t i? theyre not as pretty as you though hihi

Choi Soobin also figures that he’s really, really screwed.

**chyeonjun** d-6 you looked a lot like the love of my life @chsoobin :D

Soobin coughs aloud once he reads the caption below the picture that Yeonjun has posted less than five minutes ago. It’s a picture of Soobin alone this time; he was munching on a croissant, mouth full and cheeks stuffed in a disgusting way, eyes shut tight in satisfaction with his left hand curled into a fist; he seemed to be enjoying the pastry a hell of a lot, and it was such an _embarrassing_ shot. He wasn’t that presentable either, only dressed up in a fade tie-dye oversized shirt with a plaid short; he doesn’t know that it still drives Yeonjun mad though. Soobin wants to bury himself alive out of embarrassment.

Soobin decides not to reply.

Soobin _tries_ to breathe.

Soobin turns to Taehyun who’s still unaware of the internal crisis he’s currently facing.

“Hyunnie.”

The red-haired looks up from the book he’s reading at the moment, and Soobin shows his phone screen to him. He’s dumbfounded for a couple seconds, before he fakes gag.

“Ew!”

“Do you mind if I scream?”

“What—“

Taehyun doesn’t have the time to finish off his question because Soobin has already let out the most inhumane scream ever, one that’s worse than Kai’s. Taehyun offers Soobin a pillow, and the taller gladly accepts before he continues his scream into the pillow, muffled and incoherent, but Taehyun’s quick-witted brain doesn’t fail to catch a couple sentences:

_choiyeonjunyouarethedeathofmeaargrrhhhhhrrrhgharhrhfhrimgoingtokillyouarggaghhhrghwhyareyousodisgustingaaaarrhhhghggggggiloveyouchoiyeonjunaaargghhhgggiwanttocry-_

Taehyun can’t help but break into a grin. It’s cute, he thinks—disgusting, but cute.

**chyeonjun** d-5 you know someone’s having a rough day when their favourite song is on play and they don’t sing along. :( @chsoobin

Yeonjun giggles all to himself as the video on his feed starts to play. It’s a short clip of Soobin on the passenger seat, arms crossed on his chest with his lips jutted out into a pout, eyes straight ahead. At the background, a faint melody of their favourite song, ‘Lucky’ by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat can be heard. They were out for a drive that day, and once they were at a traffic light, Yeonjun thought that Soobin was too adorable for his own good that he needed to have the moment taped on camera, and so he did. He was smacked afterwards though, quite a painful one, but looking back at it now, he knows that it was worth it.

“My Soobinnie,” he whispers in all fondness and adoration.

His grin curves even more once he reads Soobin’s comment that just came in:

you finished my almond milk and i was mad at you??? :////

It doesn’t take a lot for people to figure out the reason behind Yeonjun’s countdown. Ever since he has started to actively post about the writer, people start to speculate even more – some are harsher than the others – and now that he’s counting down to what’s supposed to be an unknown, Soobin’s own fanbases concluded that the artist is counting down the days for Soobin’s return to Seoul again. A few articles are up, his phone blows up with calls and texts from his agency, Yeji, reporters from many media outlets, and it eventually finally takes a toll on him that he, in one abrupt decision, decides to have them all blocked.

“I’m impressed, hyung,” Beomgyu says in amusement, not even bother to nag the other anymore because he really has set his eyes on the main goal and nothing can change his mind at this point. “You have the internet all over the place because of your posts. I finally realised how ridiculous the whole situation is; shouldn’t you be left alone when it comes to your private life? Anyway, I’m having the agency and reporters blocked too, so if I’m fired, that’s on you.”

Yeonjun laughs easily. “I have everything planned out, don’t you worry,” his laugh then fades into a thin line before he gives the younger an incomprehensible look. “Gyu, you know you don’t have to do this, right? After all, it’s my game to play, not yours.”

Beomgyu rolls his eyes, reaching over to leave a smack on Yeonjun’s head. “It’s best friend duties!” he dramatically yells. “Besides, though it pains me seeing you being gross on the timeline, I’d rather have that than seeing you cry, really.”

“Stop being sappy!” Yeonjun returns the smack.

“You started it first!”

“When did I ever?”

Yeonjun laughs again, deciding that he won’t ever take Beomgyu’s friendship for granted.

That day, he posts a picture of pancakes that he had succeeded to make for breakfast with Beomgyu’s help.

**chyeonjun** d-4 i may or may not have burned the kitchen but at least the pancakes are perfect! @chsoobin and thanks for the assistance though you were more of a trouble than help @gyuchoi

 **gyuchoi** commented on your post: pancakes more like paincakes though :( and yea he burned the kitchen @chsoobin

 **chsoobin** mentioned you in a comment: i’m suing both of you @gyuchoi @chyeonjun let’s go to the court first thing first when we’re back in seoul @smartyun

 **chyeonjun** let’s do it baby i know the law @chsoobin @gyuchoi @smartyun

 **smartyun** mentioned you in a comment: You’re embarrassing me. I don’t know any of you. @chyeonjun @chsoobin @gyuchoi

Yeonjun smiles, his heart full and warm and he’s very much determined to make it right.

**chyeonjun** d-3 to many more sunsets with you. @chsoobin

It’s a picture of Choi Soobin in a form of silhouette, facing the infinite sea and the setting sun. The sky was in a brilliant hue of pink, purple, blue, red and orange, and a flock of birds was frozen at the top right corner. It was taken many, many years ago, during one of their field trips back then in high school, and even by then, Yeonjun had known that he’d spend the rest of his sunsets with none other than Choi Soobin.

 **chsoobin** commented on your post: bold of you to assume that i would love to.

**chyeonjun** d-2 to you who was a friend, i started acting like a man. @chsoobin

In the picture, stood a much-younger-looking Choi Soobin in front of a school gate, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows with navy blue coat tied around his waist, necktie loose, hair in a tangled mess. He was laughing, dimples popping on both of his cheeks, and his eyes crescents. They were playing hooky. It was also the day that troublemaker Choi Yeonjun had asked the president of the student council Choi Soobin out.

 **chsoobin** commented on your post: started acting like a man??? when???

 **gyuchoi** commented on your post: i sTArtEd aCtiNg LiKe a mAN

**chyeonjun** d-1 i won’t be cheesy anymore because apparently it wasn’t very much appreciated. but @chsoobin stop being so adorable it’s getting so annoying at this point.

It’s another candid picture of Soobin smiling-laughing ever so beautifully, showing off his teeth and dimples that Yeonjun loves _so_ much, his two hands were holding Yeonjun’s that was at the side of his cheek. It was one of the random nights that Soobin would pop at Yeonjun’s late-night dance practice with snacks – ice cream, mostly – and whenever he did, the older really had to have him caught on camera, for memories. Besides, Soobin is ridiculously too _good-looking,_ more beautiful than a painting that he needs every moment of him captured.

 **chsoobin** commented on your post: then stop looking?

**chyeonjun** d-day see you :) @chsoobin

Yeonjun posts a picture he secretly took of Soobin chewing on the rice cake on the night they had the spontaneous convenience store date at blue hour.

Soobin doesn’t reply.

**chsoobin** d-day see you :) @chyeonjun

It’s a photo of Yeonjun chewing on the rice cake on the night they had the spontaneous convenience store date at blue hour.

It was one that Soobin _secretly_ took as well.

On his side, Taehyun is giving him a teasing look.

Soobin rolls his eyes. “Shut up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it wasn't obvious, this chapter is for my own self-indulgence hihi


	9. Chapter 9

[txt -](https://open.spotify.com/track/5vz7614Y45d7U5Coi0FjnA) [ 20cm](https://open.spotify.com/track/5vz7614Y45d7U5Coi0FjnA)

To say that Soobin’s nervous is an understatement. He feels _more_ than just nervousness—there’s anxiousness, uncertainties, despair, worries—but mostly, _love_ and _longing._ It’s nothing like the flight he took more than a month ago, because it was just fatigue and despair. It’s much more this time, because whatever it is that happened, he’s _coming home_ once more. Once he’s on the plane and he’s thousands of meters above the ground, floating in between the white clouds with shapes Soobin can barely distinguish, with the sky so shy blue and beautiful, he finally realises that it’s real: _he’s coming home and a man named Choi Yeonjun is waiting for him._

He doesn’t know what to expect, because a lot had happened in a span of a month and a half, and things aren’t exactly the same like how he had left off before. _Many_ things have changed, and Choi Soobin isn’t entirely good with changes, and how to deal with them. Yeonjun was always there with him all the times before, _for him,_ and changes were somewhat bearable due to his presence alone. He made Soobin less afraid, because even if everything changed, Choi Yeonjun would always be there as the only constant thing in his life. Soobin’s terrified now, and it’s not because Yeonjun isn’t there—but it’s because _Choi Yeonjun_ _is the change._ He has changed—bolder and more careless and definitely more reckless—and Soobin _doesn’t know_ how take it all in.

Of course, at many points of his life, he had wished for _this—_ to love Yeonjun and be loved by him openly, on top of the world and flashing lights before millions of piercing eyes—but now that Yeonjun is the driving _force_ of that change he wished for so bad before, he suddenly doesn’t know what to do. Perhaps the reason why he didn’t feel the weight of the situation before is because there was distance—thousands of miles and his sunrise sometimes equivalent to Yeonjun’s sunset and vice versa—but now he’s on his way to close the distance once and for all, and it’s all real. More reasons for him to be afraid for all the unknowns that are about to unfold.

“Taehyun.”

“Hm.”

“I’m scared.”

The boy turns his head, catching a glimpse of the sun behind the clouds through the window behind Soobin. He offers the other a smile. “You have every reasons and rights to be, hyung,” he says comfortingly. “But, remember that no matter how scared you are, I’ll be there with you.”

Soobin feels relieved. Scared still, but this time with a hint of relief, because he knows he can count on Taehyun, too, and he’s not alone now and in whatever it is that’s yet to come. He returns the smile to the red-haired before he fixes his gaze on the heavy clouds, thinking how it seems impossible and surreal that he’s above them, but it’s _possible_ anyway, because he’s _there_. Watching as how the clouds flow just effortless beneath him, he finds himself thinking about Yeonjun again, just as effortless like the motion of the clouds.

Sure, Yeonjun hasn’t said anything—never directly expresses anything though he has been rather shamelessly _vocal_ on his social media—and Soobin knows he shouldn’t be afraid because the posts could’ve been just a stunt he pulled through—a spur of the moment decision. It could be that, because as much as he believes that Yeonjun loves him, he knows his husband loves his career just as much, too. He wants to think that it is _more_ than that, but he finds himself unable to do just that, because expectation kills and it’s the root of all heartaches. Hence, he’s afraid, because he wants a clear cut answer though he’s not sure once the truth is revealed he’ll be ready for it. He doesn’t want to beat around the bush anymore; he’s going to be loved all the way in, or not at all.

Soobin decides, whatever it is that happens, he’s not going to settle for less than what he deserves.

This time, he’s going to choose himself first.

“Hyung, are you sure about this?” Beomgyu asks, a hint of worry and uncertainty laces his voice as he looks at the wide space before him, crowded and loud. He can’t catch all the kinds of languages he’s hearing all at once, but he looks at all the unfamiliar faces, and time seems to be ticking fast—it always seems so here, and though all this time it didn’t bother him, he feels somewhat nervous today.

“I’ve never been so sure,” Yeonjun confirms, eyeing the watch on his wrist all tad too often, back and forth from the huge LED board that he can see from where he stands. He reads the list of schedules over and over again, grinning when he sees the one he’s looking for, eyeing the time for the nth time, and hoping that 1906 will come soon— _now,_ if that’s possible. “I’ve never been _this_ sure.”

“He doesn’t know you’re here, right?”

“He doesn’t.”

“I think he’s going to be angry at you after.”

Yeonjun grins stupidly. “I’ll deal with that after.”

Unlike Choi Soobin who’s dead nervous somewhere in the air, Choi Yeonjun is excited, solid and loud on the ground—waiting for the love of his life quite patiently and impatiently at the same time, heart’s racing crazily beneath his chest at the thought of seeing him again, and he lets it be.

_1904_. Soobin’s throat feels like paper. Dry. Drier when he feels how everything around him slows down—farther and farther from the sunset and the dramatic pinkish and bluish sky, closer to the ground— _finally_ on the ground. The loud thump of his heart against his ribcage makes him uncomfortable it’s unbearable, his palms sweaty he thinks it’s disgusting.

_1906_. Yeonjun’s grin has never been wider. He waits, eyes fixated on the tall, glass doors. He mumbles a quiet _I’m sorry for all the headaches you’re going to go through after this, Gyu_ to his manager, to which the other only replies a just as quiet _I’m ready for your k-drama shit, hyung._ Yeonjun laughs easily at the remark.

_1911._ Yeonjun finally sees Soobin, real and alive, up-close and better—much better than all the times he saw him through the screen of his phone.

“Choi Soobin!”

Soobin halts in his track once he heard his name is being called out by a very familiar voice, the trolley that carries his luggage and backpack before him stops altogether when he halted. He turns around slightly, heartbeat quickens uncomfortably and painfully, and a small gasp leaves his mouth as he catches the sight of a very familiar yellow hair and that face with that stupid smile on display—

“Choi Soobin!” the voice intensifies tenfold, catching not only his attention, but many others, too, and Soobin panics.

“Choi Soobin!” Yeonjun cries again, shamelessly and embarrassingly, waving his hands in front of him like a fool. “I’ve missed you!”

When he notices that Choi Yeonjun is no longer walking his way over to him, but _running,_ that’s when he feels the panic shoots straight up within his being, and not knowing what to do as his mind decides to stop functioning at such critical hour, he _runs too—away,_ from the person who’s running _to_ him.

Soobin runs, abandoning his trolley and belongings behind, making his way through a sea of local and foreign people, and _runs like he never did before._ He’s never good at running, or any kinds of physical activities that require a lot of his strength but in a moment of intense nervousness, it seems as if his body has reached a boundless limit that he initially thought was limited. He runs through the huge, open space, ignoring the strange looks people are giving him, ignoring the loud call of his name, not knowing the sole reason of why he’s running from the person he’s _yearning_ to see the most at the first place. At the thought, his legs unconsciously slow down, a little too drastically as he wonders why he runs first thing first at the sight of his husband, and the decreasing speed is enough for his arm to be grabbed from behind, and in just a second, he’s spun around. Soobin feels dizzy, and he feels like throwing up.

“What—“ Yeonjun pants heavily, a frown laces his lips as he tries to catch his breath, “What the fuck was that?” he asks, shooting Soobin a glare as the other is catching his breath, too. His face flushed in a hint of red, and he seems to be in a dazed, like he’s in a trance. “Why did you run away from me?”

Soobin takes a moment to reply. He looks and looks at the person in front of him, observing as it gradually dawns on him at how _real_ the situation is. He feels the heaviness on his shoulders that bear Yeonjun’s two hands, at the warmth that he feels through his denim jacket, and slowly, just as slowly, at how Yeonjun’s there right before him—a little too close—alive and real and breathing and warm. And most importantly, _real._ He can see Taehyun’s red-hair in a distance, and Beomgyu at his side, and blurry faces that are openly staring at the two of them. He realises then: _Choi Yeonjun is here._

“What the fuck,” Soobin breathes out, taking a step back as he tries to breathe properly once more.

Yeonjun pouts. “ _Exactly_ , what the fuck was that?”

Soobin shakes his head. “No, I mean, what are you doing here?”

Yeonjun doesn’t answer. Instead, he asks, “Why did you run away from me?”

“You ran to me first.”

“Well, _yes,_ because if it wasn’t obvious, we were apart for six weeks and I was very _excited_ to see you again.”

Soobin’s lips form a tiny ‘o’ before it spreads into a thin line. “I panicked.”

“I can’t believe you just did that, and that’s because I ran to you,” Yeonjun complains, but even so a fond smile hangs upon his lips, hands reaching over to smooth out Soobin’s locks that stick to his forehead due to the sweats. Soobin catches something silvery glistens against the lights when Yeonjun moves his hand through his hair, and his breath hitches, reaching out to Yeonjun’s neck, tracing his finger along the line of his collar. He pulls the strings of his necklace out, and he stares at the emptiness that hangs around his neck for a short while, before he gently grabs Yeonjun’s hand, and he feels something cold presses against his the skin of his fingers.

“You wear your wedding ring,” Soobin mutters lowly, a lump forms on his throat; hence he finds it difficult to speak but he does anyway, eyes moist, “ _here,_ and not on the necklace anymore,” he braves himself to look at Yeonjun in the eyes. “ _Why_?”

Yeonjun wears a soft smile, though in his eyes, there’s sorry and regret. “I figured I love it better on my ring finger; after all, that’s where it’s the most fitting, isn’t it?”

Soobin wants to cry.

Yeonjun takes a step forward, pulling Soobin closer by the waist, as his other cradles the side of Soobin’s cheek. He stares at the younger longingly, full of love and fondness, and Soobin knows that it’s all _for_ him—no one but him.

“I’m sorry for everything, Choi Soobin, I really am,” Yeonjun says, and though everything is loud, Soobin can only hear him. “I was stupid, and I still am, and I know it’s very selfish of me to still _want_ you after everything I put you through, but I love you so much, with every beat of my heart, that I know nothing else but to want you anyway, in any and every way, in all of my tomorrows.”

Soobin laughs, and cries at the same time, and Yeonjun thinks Soobin really is the most beautiful person there is, and so he pulls him down by the neck, and under the fluorescent lights, within the window glasses, and with people’s stares and gasps, they meet in the middle. It shocks Soobin on the receiving end, letting out gasp that Yeonjun voluntarily swallows it whole, and from his peripheral vision (though cloudy and blurry), he can see the blinding flashing lights, and he really _cares_ about it because there’s no way they won’t be the headlines and Yeonjun is _risking_ it all.

However, when his husband also makes him feel as if he’s on top of the world, lips softly moulded against his and the cold band at the back of his neck, Soobin feels like he’s in a dream, floating on cloud nine, rainbows and everything beautiful overhead, he can’t help but losing himself into all of Yeonjun. Because what matters is Yeonjun, and Yeonjun alone. So, Soobin kisses back, just as consciously and softly, as he decides that whatever it is that happens next, they’ll deal with it later, because they don’t matter, and Yeonjun’s here _now,_ and he’s kissing him _now._

It all happens too fast, and Soobin doesn’t even remember the ride home, and by the time he realises it, he’s already in the four walls of their home. He notices how everything doesn’t change at all, that everything is still in places he left them in, smelling like Yeonjun altogether, and it dawns on him finally: he’s _home_. Yeonjun pulls him down for a kiss again, innocent—an _I miss you so bad_ kind of kiss—before it turns into something more passionate, breaths heavy and short, but they keep coming back for another _I want you now_ kiss. It’s a rush, both hearts screaming _now, now, now!_ and Soobin find themselves on the bed, skin to skin and heart to heart, and hands everywhere.

That night, as Soobin looks at the screen of his phone in Yeonjun’s arms—with the latter’s phone doesn’t stop ringing that he turns it off eventually—as photos of them kissing and making a scene at the airport surface online and how he complains that he didn’t look good in them but laughs so easily anyway, Soobin thinks that maybe Yeonjun isn’t careless and reckless like how he used to describe him.

Choi Yeonjun is _carefree_ now, because despite the fact that there are many problems that he is yet to face, he still manages to laugh, heartily and genuinely, without any care of the world. Soobin stares at the pictures again, and he likes it how though the pictures are in low quality, the wedding ring on Yeonjun’s finger can be clearly seen. He feels greedy, but he doesn’t blame himself, for Choi Yeonjun is his anyway.

“We’ll worry about that tomorrow,” Yeonjun concludes, and Soobin lets him when he leans down to steal another kiss from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the amount of yeonbin contents we get lately is quite overwhelming but i still miss them anyway


	10. Chapter 10

[little do you know - alex & sierra](https://open.spotify.com/track/1almCHdsfikRPfVB9VrEdT)

The next morning gracefully rolls in like a dream. The sun shyly peeks from behind the clouds, making its way into the room through the heavy, off-white curtains, softly knocking against the lids of sleepy Choi Soobin. The man grunts lowly as the rays of the sunshine greet his eyes, a pout forms on his lips in an instant, hair sticking out on the ends in the most adorable way. He blinks a couple times, trying to adapt his eyes to the brightness before he finally takes notice of the warmth that envelops him whole through the arm that’s draped around him loosely and another pair of legs that tangled around his own. He stares ahead, breathes, as yesterday’s incidents come rushing in like flood, which warms him from the inside out.

Soobin shifts ever so gently, trying to turn to face the older without waking him up in the process, finally noticing how he had been sleeping on Yeonjun’s outstretched arms the whole night instead of the pillow. He can’t help but to smile fondly, knowing that it must have gotten uncomfortable and sore for him at some points but he let him sleep still. He finds his husband still in a deep sleep, lips slightly parted, snoring softly and his breath steady. Perhaps it’s the way the sun casts its glow against Yeonjun’s acne-free skin. Perhaps it’s the way his cheek is squished against the pillow. Perhaps it’s the way his overgrown bangs is now sticking out, too – just like Soobin’s – instead of just flat on his forehead. Perhaps it’s the way he breathes that almost lulls Soobin back to sleep. Perhaps it’s just his own drowsiness and grogginess. Whichever it is, it makes Choi Soobin seeing Choi Yeonjun in a new light, somehow. 

Soobin finds it ridiculous how Yeonjun is _glowing_ that morning. It’s not that he wasn’t all the times before, but it multiplies tenfold that day, and he thinks it’s unfair how someone can actually manage to look _that_ good while sleeping. Soobin stares and stares and stares, because he loves what he’s seeing, for Yeonjun is so beautiful and yet he’s so unaware of it. He reaches out, lightly tracing his finger on the other’s features – on the jaw, up to his lips, further up along the bridge of his nose, his shut eyes, well-defined brows – and with every passing seconds, Soobin feels like _crying_ more than before because the older really is _beautiful_ he doesn’t think he has all the words to describe his feelings at that moment. From this angle, too, he can see Yeonjun’s double chin, and he finds it to be really endearing. How he had the thought to let this – _him_ – go is beyond him, now that he’s thinking clearly (not really, but yesterday really has somehow turns the table). Soobin rests his hand on Yeonjun’s chest, feeling the calm beating of his heart beneath his fingertips.

Last night, the netizens really went into a haywire at the stunt Yeonjun pulled – at all the pictures and videos of them kissing upon the writer’s arrival at the airport, and at the matching rings that they both have on their ring fingers. Soobin’s mind starts to work he can almost hear how the engines within him start to move, and he can foresee the troubles they’re both in, especially Yeonjun because it’s way more strict for him it’s almost incomparable to Soobin’s. They never got to talk about it yesterday, the rationality behind his action and all the consequences of it all, because they were drowned in love and giddiness. It wasn’t bad – it was good, even – but now that the morning has come, Soobin can’t help but wonder. After all, he likes to _think,_ and the first thing he can think of that morning is: _is it worth it_?

Choi Soobin is scared for what’s in store for his husband, knowing that it’s not going to be entirely good, for that’s how it is with the field he’s in. He’s scared because he has altered his once flowery path, not conforming to the standard of the public eyes’ anymore, risking that very one thing he dearly loves (one thing that he has loved first before declaring his love for him many years ago) just for the sake of _Choi Soobin._ He wanted this before, but now that he has it, he’s starting to doubt it, wondering if he had been _too selfish_ that Yeonjun really had to do what he did. Soobin tears up unknowingly, helplessly, as he silently questions whether it really is worth it – whether _he’s_ worth it. He feels small out of a sudden – his insecurities are acting up – shrinking and curling in Yeonjun’s arm as he tugs a handful of the hem of the other’s sweatshirt, burying his face onto his chest.

Soobin doesn’t mean to wake his husband up, really, but what he thinks to be silent sobs isn’t silent at all. It’s quiet, of course – soft and guarded – but his shaking shoulders, though subtle and almost unnoticed, is enough to jolt the other up from his slumber.

Yeonjun slightly winces at the sudden brightness, eyes dazed and unfocused, before he finally takes notice at the figure who’s weeping ever so silently in his embrace. Panic shoots straight up in his being as he tightens his hold on the younger, placing his chin on top of Soobin’s head, all in while sifting his fingers through Soobin’s locks in an attempt to comfort him. Worries filled every fibre of his being, wondering what makes Soobin cry first thing first in the morning. Soobin rarely cries – unless there’s something really, _really_ touching or hurting him – and he’s always the bigger person in their relationship; hence, to have him crying at such hour confuses the hell out of Yeonjun. He peppers light kisses on his head anyway, thinking that it’s the least he can do for now, deciding to speak only when Soobin is calm enough. Yeonjun closes his eyes, inhaling Soobin’s homely scent that he loves a little too much for his own good, muttering a soft chain of _I’m here, you can cry; you can let it all out, I love you._

Soobin only cries harder at that, letting his own emotions and insecurities take a good control of his rationality, and he’s grateful that not even once Yeonjun lets him go.

It takes Soobin almost half an hour to calm down – for his cries to turn into soft sniffles, with Yeonjun’s shirt completely damp from his tears and snot. Soobin’s disgusted, and he mutters a croaked _I’m sorry I ruined your shirt_ to which Yeonjun only chuckles fondly. He tries to pull away, wanting to look at Soobin, but the younger whines aloud childishly as he buries deeper into Yeonjun’s chest, pulling him closer than before, if that’s even possible.

“I looked horrible,” Soobin mumbles.

“I know— _ow_!” Yeonjun winces when Soobin pinches the exposed skin just beneath his waist, “but that’s okay. I still think you looked lovely anyway.”

Heat rises up to Soobin’s cheeks and the tip of his ears, flowers blooming just beneath his chest. “Let’s just stay like this for a while,” Soobin says softly, rubbing his runny nose on Yeonjun’s shirt once more, and this time, he’s definitely not sorry.

Yeonjun lets him, but before another silence engulfs them both, he asks, “What’s wrong? Why did you cry?”

“I was just thinking.”

“What were you thinking?”

“Us.”

Yeonjun hums in acknowledgment, twirling his fingers at the end of Soobin’s hair. “What’s with us?”

Soobin doesn’t answer; instead, he shakes his head and mutters, “I’m sorry,” he lets out another sniffle before he says, clearer this time, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for being selfish. If I wasn’t, you wouldn’t have to do what you did, and to think that you might lose _everything_ after that, too, is overwhelming. Really. I’m sorry for not being understanding enough, and that I filed for a divorce without having a talk with you first. I wasn’t in the right headspace; it was an impulsive decision, one that I thought was the best at that time because I was hurting, but I forgot you must’ve been hurting, too, and I—“

“Binnie, _hey_ ,” Yeonjun cuts him off, voice gentle and comforting, “I did what I did because I _wanted_ to. I don’t care for what I have to lose after, for it doesn’t matter as long as I don’t lose you. I love you more than anything else in the world, Bin, and I’m sorry that I failed to make that clear enough for you. I’m sorry for hiding _us_ for so long, for putting you in so much pain that you don’t deserve. I’m sorry you had to go to such extent for me to realise what – _who_ – really matters to me at the end of the day. I tried so hard to please millions of hearts, forgetting that it’s _your_ heart that I have vowed to keep safe for the rest of my life. I’ll make it up to you, I promise, and it’s only the beginning of it.”

Soobin stiffens at the thought that there would be more crazy stunts, acknowledging that there would be more damages if he does so, and so he finally looks up to the other, and at the sight – Yeonjun is smiling ever so fondly to him, looking as if he never wants to look away – he feels like crying again. His lower lip quivers, and he shuts his eyes, trying to hold back the tears from spilling out, but fails. He tries to hide his face into Yeonjun’s chest once again, but Yeonjun holds him still.

“Oh my God, Choi Soobin, I didn’t know you’re such a cry-baby,” Yeonjun laughs, eyes glinting playfully, his tone teasing. Even so, he gently wipes the tears away with his thumb all in while caressing his cheek. “Baby, baby, Binnie cry-baby.”

Even while crying, Soobin manages to roll his eyes at the teasing. “Shut up,” he mumbles, weakly punches Yeonjun’s chest before he leans close again, nuzzling the side of his face to the crook of the other’s neck, fingers tightly clutching to the hem of his shirt. “I’m sorry for being so selfish. I wasn’t thinking, really. Should I do anything, or say anything, to lessen the damage? Should we see Yeji-ssi? I can talk with my publishing company. I can talk to yours too, and see whether we can reach a common ground. It probably won’t change anything, but I would like to still try.”

Yeonjun softens. After all this time, Soobin has always thought of himself first before anything else – always so selfless and considerate – Yeonjun almost thinks he doesn’t deserve him. However, what Beomgyu reminded him many days ago – of how it’s Soobin’s decision to make whether he’s deserving or not – pops into his mind, and he decides that if Soobin thinks that way, then he’s going to make himself believe just that. He’s only going to prove to the younger than he’s very much deserving of him; that’s the best he can do.

“You don’t have to do anything. I’ve got this—“

“But, I want to—“

“You’ve done enough—“

“No, listen, I think it’s better—“

“Soobin, _honey_ , I—“

“Yeonjun, _my love_ , I—“

Annoyed, Yeonjun leans down and leaves a sloppy peck on Soobin’s pouty lips to shut him up, to which the younger groans aloud before he brushes his lips with the back of his hand.

“Ew!” Soobin yells, nose crinkling. “Your breath stinks!”

Yeonjun’s jaw drops at the remark before he reaches over, grabbing Soobin’s chin and leaves another kiss on the younger, purposely longer this time.

“You sure talk a lot for someone who has snot—“

“I was _crying!_ You know how it is when I cry! This damn runny nose.”

Yeonjun laughs again, gleefully and full of joy, as he brushes Soobin’s tears-stained cheeks with his fingers. He then says, “I appreciate the thought, Bin, but I really got this. I’ve talked to Gyu, and we have had things figured out. Don’t you worry, okay? You’ve done enough for the both of us, more than I ever could; I’m just trying to make it even to you.”

Soobin frowns, his brows scrunched together, “You don’t _have_ to make it even. Relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. There’d be some days when you weren’t able to give a 50 to my 50,” what Hyunjin said about _someone failing to show that they love you enough, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love with all they have_ flashes by his mind, “and so I had to put more into the equation to make it a 100. Jun, I really want to help. After all, it’s still you – still _us._ Please, if there’s anything – and I mean _anything_ at all – let me know. We’re in this together.”

“I know,” Yeonjun replies in a heartbeat, leaning in to leave a chaste kiss on Soobin’s head, trying to distract himself from the wave of overwhelming emotions that emerge from what the younger has said. “I know that, Bin, but I really _want_ to. It’s not about the equation; I’m just trying to do what I was supposed to do long time ago. Let me make it up to you. Just, trust me, hm?”

Soobin is silent, his gaze fixated on the blond, his eyes yearning and lingering though Yeonjun is already in his grip, but he _misses_ him still. Nevertheless. He thinks it doesn’t make sense to miss someone when the person is right in front of him, but really, it doesn’t have to be. He misses him, and that’s that. Hence, he smiles faintly, and nods, “Okay.”

Yeonjun matches Soobin’s smile. “Okay.”

“Jun.”

“Hm.”

“About the papers…” Soobin trails off, feeling shy and embarrassed all the same, cheeks heating up with eyes everywhere but Yeonjun, “Well, you know, it’s _uh_ —“ he scratches the side of his head, nervousness pooling in the inside of his ribcage and his shoulders tense for some unknown reasons and it’s uncomfortable. He finally braves himself to look at Yeonjun in the eyes, and the older already has his eyes on him the entire time, as if he’s anticipating what he’s going to say, and there’s something else behind the shadow of his eyes that Soobin can’t really catch. He continues anyway, after a few deep breaths, “I don’t want to be apart from you. I had _never_ wanted to, so can we – if it’s okay with you, of course, because I understand that it must’ve hurt you too – please pretend that I had never done such ridiculous thing?”

“Bin, I’ve burned the papers.”

Soobin’s brain goes blank for a moment, eyes turning wide at the revelation as the news slowly sink in. “You’ve _burned_ the papers?”

“I’ve burned the papers, yes,” Yeonjun confirms with a nod of his head. “I heard from Gyu, who heard from Taehyun that a day before you left, you told him that you wouldn’t proceed with the divorce. He told me yesterday, while we were both waiting for you. I burned it last night, after you went to sleep. I hope you don’t mind.”

“You’ve burned the papers… last night when I was asleep,” Soobin repeats in confusion.

“You made it sound as if I did something _wrong_ —“ Yeonjun speaks before the realisation hits him. “ _wait,_ hold on, I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? You said it yourself that you had never wanted to be apart, and that you wouldn’t proceed with it, and after yesterday I really thought that you didn’t want to anymore. That’s why I burned them, but if—“

“It’s okay,” Soobin giggles at Yeonjun’s panicky voice, “I was just shocked, that’s all. I mean, that was _quick._ ”

“Would you blame me?” Yeonjun asks, frowning at the memory of when Soobin announced his decision at the dining table that afternoon. “I never want to be apart from you too, ever.”

Soobin smiles as a reply, throwing his arm around Yeonjun’s neck and pulls him close. Yeonjun closes the distance altogether, embracing the taller one, and they stay tangled in bed a little longer. After a few more giggles and many more disgusting morning kisses that Soobin complains upon receiving but never attempts to decline them anyway, Yeonjun gets up and drags the other downstairs to the kitchen and makes him sit on the stool.

Yeonjun makes pancakes for breakfast, and he doesn’t burn them that morning.

It’s Soobin who reaches out to pepper the older with kisses this time.

“Binnie.”

“Hm.”

“I’m sorry.”

A pause, before Soobin replies, a soft, “I forgive you.”

Truthful to his words, that afternoon – after succeeding to convince the younger that he would be fine on his own and that he should stay home and rest instead – Yeonjun leaves to his agency. Gyu’s there, waiting for him at the lounge before they make ways to the conference room. It’s nerve-wrecking, Yeonjun thinks as he looks at how the chairs are finally occupied one by one, gradually, and once for all. He stares at all the familiar faces, stern with a mixture of worry and sorry, though soft all in all. He greets them – the CEO, the board directors, staffs – and without beating around the bush, he speaks.

He apologizes for causing such ruckus, one after another, and he explains what _actually_ happened that day with Yeji in the restaurant, and all the consequences that followed after that, which led to his reckless (not really; he thinks it’s carefree) action at the airport. He explains his parts calmly, not even once blaming Yeji, Soobin nor the company, and he says he doesn’t mind taking all the faults and blame. The room is silent, only the faint sound of cool air blowing out from the AC can be heard, and Yeonjun can feel his nervousness eases off by every minute that passes, his figure relaxes under the boring stares.

“Gyu had contacted some media outlets and news reporters a couple days ago, and they should be here in an hour,” he says, knocking his fingers lightly on the table, eyes glancing briefly to the analogue clock that hangs against the wall. “I’ll do a conference soon. Yeji should be here in a while as well. I know this might be abrupt to all of you, but I figured I should take matters into my own hands. Please _do not_ stop me.”

“Yeonjun, you know that you should talk to us first before—“ one of the board directors begins, but she’s quick to be cut off by Yeonjun.

“You should’ve talked to me _first_ before you released the statement of me dating Yeji because it wasn’t true at all,” Yeonjun replies, though without a hint of anger, but rather acceptance. He accepted that it happened. He accepted that it was a wrong move by these people, but he also accepted that they did it _for_ his own image and reputation, too. It wasn’t right, but perhaps that’s what they thought was the best at that moment. “I want to do this, _please_. I don’t want to hide behind a façade that doesn’t make me happy – that doesn’t make _Soobin_ happy. I should’ve not hidden my status at the first place, and I was scared, but I’m not anymore. I’m not anymore because when he filed for a divorce, I realised that losing him _terrifies_ me more than losing anything else. I want to do this, for my own sake,” he says like it’s final – _it is –_ and they know that Yeonjun’s not asking for permission; he’s simply informing them what he’s about to do.

“There’s one more thing—“ Yeonjun smiles, though this time sadly but with a hint of determination behind his voice. “I would like to terminate my contract.”

The conference goes for about an hour. Soobin bites his nails subconsciously, left foot tapping nervously against the carpet, eyes fixating on the 40-inch flat screen before him. His husband’s there, and sit next to him is Yeji and she doesn’t look too happy to be there, and a few more faces that Soobin recognizes and doesn’t. From the angle it’s recorded, he can also see the rows of chairs that are occupied by reporters, heavy, expensive cameras and recorders in their hands.

Soobin isn’t exactly there, but he’s nervous for Yeonjun just the same.

Then, it starts, to which it makes Soobin to shake even worse than before. Yeonjun’s voice sounds almost like a dream, honey-laced, as he begins to speak. Soobin doesn’t know what to expect, really, so he listens attentively.

“I’m married,” Yeonjun announces into the microphone in front of him, and it’s all too quiet and earth-shattering at the same time. Soobin’s breath hitches at the back of his throat, eyes welling up, heart thumping wildly against his ribcage. Unlike how _messy_ it is for Soobin, Yeonjun is calm, grounded and he even has a proud smile on his face as the silver ring on his ring finger glistens under the flashings of cameras. “I’m married, to Choi Soobin – _yes_ , the writer – and we’re already in our fourth year. Our history goes all the way back—“ at that, he chuckles fondly, eyes basking in familiarity at the reminiscences of the past. “ _Way_ back, that I can write an entire autobiography of us, but I think he’d be better at that, because he’s the best between the two of us. He’s a writer, after all, and he can carve words in ways that I can’t, but that’s beside the point. What I’m saying is that, I’m happily married to Choi Soobin, and there’s no one else but him.”

Soobin wants to cry, again. How can he not? His mind fogs up at the thought – sight – of his husband, looking as handsome as ever in white-buttoned down with sleeves up to his elbows, and how his mind and heart scream for _Yeonjun, Yeonjun, Yeonjun_ and that dreamy voice, how can he _not_ cry?

“I know that many things have happened recently, and not too recently, with Yeji-ssi and my own _person,_ but I would like to clarify that there’s nothing going on with me and Yeji-ssi, for I have always been in love with the same person from many years ago. I don’t think it’ll change anytime soon; scratch that, I don’t think it’ll ever change at all. What happened between Yeji-ssi and I was only a spur of a moment kind of situation – a _mistake_ – and I was jet-lagged from my flight before that, and I wasn’t thinking straight – perhaps I wasn’t thinking at all. My action had hurt a lot of people around me, Yeji-ssi and most importantly, my own husband, and I would like to apologize for all of it – for being careless and reckless. The agencies had to release something to the press as a damage control; hence, the news of me and Yeji-ssi to be dating was released, when in fact, there was – _is_ – nothing going on between us.”

Yeonjun heaves a deep breath before he continues, “My marriage was on the brink of collapsing because of my own action, but Soobin and I had a talk about it this morning, and I think we’re okay now. We’re okay now, right, Binnie?” Yeonjun directs his gaze into the camera, a soft smile envelops his lips, cheeks flushed with coral tint. Soobin’s chuckling and weeping at the same time, thinking that Choi Yeonjun really is the death of him. “I know it’s easier to forgive than forget – I know that well – but I’ll make it better piece by piece. I’ll try, _for you_ , to make it all up to you, my love. I’ll love you like you’ve never felt the pain I’ve put you through; that’s a promise. I want to be the best for you too, like how you are to me. I’m sorry I took this long; I’m sorry you had to _wait_ this long, but I can assure you that you don’t have to wait anymore.”

“Shut up now,” Soobin mumbles to no one in particular, sniffling as he wipes his runny nose with the end of his sleeve.

“To everyone who has been supporting me since day one, I know that this must’ve been shocking for you. I’m sorry for not being honest with my status when I should’ve been, but I must’ve been too afraid to tell the truth, in case it would go bad and you’d leave because in this industry, this kind of news isn’t always too pleasing to be accepted by everyone. However, here I am, married and happy and proud, and I’m sorry for not being honest about it sooner. I know this apology isn’t much, but I hope you can understand my reasons.”

Yeji speaks now, but Soobin barely listens. It’s an overwhelming day for him, blurry eyes and soft weeping coming from the deepest part of his heart, but unlike how it was two months ago, it’s _warm_ this time. It’s warm, because Choi Yeonjun is warm, and everything he does just now is warm, too. It’s fleeting and he’s floating lightly on cloud nine.

Soobin smiles. Genuinely.

Soobin reaches for the copy of his poetry book that he had left for Yeonjun and turns to the acknowledgment page. He then reaches for his favourite fountain pen he always uses when writing, and scribbles something on the printed letters.

For ~~CYJ,~~ **_Choi Yeonjun,_**

These words are for you.

All of these words are for you.

He snaps a picture, and posts on Instagram.

**chsoobin** tagged you in a post.

Yeonjun smiles as he sees the picture and the caption:

_we’re okay. and i love you._

**chyeonjun** mentioned you in a comment: _yes, we’re okay. and I love you too. I’ll see you at home soon. :) @chsoobin_

* * *

i think we're one chapter away from the end??? :(


	11. Chapter 11

[yeonbin song because yeonjun said it reminds him of soobin ](https://open.spotify.com/track/195eCIcjTLsOJZ1nfNHUUJ)

It’s a lazy, quiet afternoon in the Choi’s household, soft pitter-patter of the rain can be heard in the corners of the house, faint sound of the end credit of the film the two were watching filled the air. It was Yeonjun’s idea to watch a movie to kill time, but it wasn’t even half into it when he fell asleep. Soobin, who’s bored by now due to the lack of interaction, finally gets up from the floor and crouches down before the couch, gently pulling the blanket up to Yeonjun’s chest. A smile breaks upon his lips when he sees Yeonjun snuggles deeper into the warmth of his blanket.

He makes his way to the kitchen, swiftly prepares himself a cup of hot almond milk to warm himself up before he goes out to the small yard at the back of their house. He takes a sip from the cup, his eyes fixated on the grey skies that pour heavy rain. It’s getting worse by second, and though Soobin is inches away from the rain, the splatters that hit the ends of his toes send shivers along his spine. He breathes in the coldness and silence while his mind runs thousands of miles per second.

Time passes by like a flash after the conference. It has been two weeks since then, though it doesn’t seem and feel like it, and Soobin hates the way how he doesn’t have a firm grip on Time because It’s moving so fast he can barely catch up. It’s a scary thing because though it doesn’t seem things aren’t changing, _everything_ is definitely changing. Things are shifting, and he can only hope to the highest of heavens that they are changing for good—good for him, for him and Yeonjun, _especially_ for Yeonjun.

A few days after the conference, after days of heavy discussions and failed negotiations, Choi Yeonjun has finally terminated his contract with his former agency. Soobin was there when it happened, his hand unconsciously tightening his grip on Yeonjun’s under the table, all in while pondering whether it was the right move to do, because Yeonjun is at the peak of his career and terminating his contract in the middle of it all would put all his efforts into a halt. Yeonjun didn’t waver, though, and Soobin wondered how he could be so _certain and_ _sure._

The same day too, Yeonjun announced his hiatus for some period that is yet to be determined from the entertainment industry. Like a storm hitting the earth. Quick. Instant. Just like that—like it’s nothing at all. Like the years he had spent wishing on the dead stars to own the stage for the rest of his life, like all the days when the spotlight was on him along with the deafening cheers of his name mean nothing to him. Yeonjun had never really taken a long break before because that was literally his _life,_ and he seemed to can’t get enough of the adrenaline rush that he could only get when the whole arena screamed nothing but his name. Yeonjun made it seem so easy—as if it didn’t hurt. As if he wasn’t taking a break from a routine that made up almost all of his life.

“Why did you do that?” Soobin asked as the guilt and insecurities bubbled beneath him, demanding to be felt and acknowledged. He tried to hold them back in place, looking at Yeonjun earnestly, desperately waiting for comfort and reassurance from the older.

Yeonjun didn’t miss a beat as replied with a nonchalant shrug. “I figured I want to spend all of my time with you now. Aren’t I romantic?” It was playful on Yeonjun’s end, but he really meant each and every word that he uttered.

Choi Soobin doesn’t understand—why Choi Yeonjun picks him, over that world _._ He doesn’t think he would be able to understand that, ever, and maybe that’s okay for once.

Yeonjun told him that it is love. Soobin knows it is love, but honestly, how can someone as colourful as Choi Yeonjun love someone as plain as Choi Soobin _that_ much? How is it possible to love someone that much that one doesn’t mind dropping anything else—something that’s very precious, a world full of stars and spotlights—just for the sake of the other? It’s not that he’s doubting the amount of love the older has for him—it’s just that Soobin’s insecurities are acting up and he still doesn’t know how to take control over the thought of how he thinks he’s unworthy for all the efforts and affection Yeonjun puts into the relationship—for Choi Soobin. After all, in his mind, Yeonjun is a scintillating rainbow, and he is only boring white. It really doesn’t make any sense. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Yeonjun murmured through the darkness, against his heavy sleepiness and grogginess. “You’re the most beautiful _white_ I’ve seen.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jun.”

“I learnt it from you,” Yeonjun retorted back, but he fell asleep just as quick the conversation died and was never brought up again.

A few days after that, Soobin asked Yeonjun why he took all the blame over the incident with Yeji, why he refused to tell the audience the very truth of what really happened. Why he felt the need to cover for her. Why, because it definitely stains his image and name as an artist, as a husband. Why, when he was given the opportunity to clear his name, didn’t he use it so people wouldn’t judge him mindlessly again. Yeonjun’s answer was easy. He really made everything seem easy—as if it wasn’t complicated. Perhaps it really doesn’t have to be complex and complicated—perhaps everything doesn’t have to be as complex and complicated like how it is in Soobin’s mind.

Yeonjun’s answer really was easy. Short and simple, yet solid and definite.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, looking up from his favourite aglio olio in front of him, tilting his head to the younger a degree or two.

Soobin nodded, eyes brimming of pure honesty and determination. “Of course I do.”

Yeonjun’s lips cracked into a smile, the edges of his eyes crinkling softly. “Then it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks,” he answered, his voice was laced with honey that Soobin couldn’t help but melt into the sweetness. “As long as you trust me, then it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks.”

Soobin has never expressed his worries and concern because Yeonjun looks awfully okay, and he knows that even if he does express it, his husband will insist that everything really is okay, that he is okay. The thing is, Soobin’s worried. What’s next for Yeonjun? They’ve spent two weeks at home, far and disconnected from the rest of the world, doing nothing at all but it feels like everything all the same. Yeonjun’s the first thing—person _—_ that he sees before his eyes every time the sun rises and makes its way into the bedroom, and he’s also the last person that he sees before he meets him once again in his dreamland. Soobin thinks that if it’s for and with Yeonjun, he can do that over and over again, until forever loses its meaning, until the end of his time.

He wonders if Yeonjun thinks and feels the same, too, now that he really is dropping the world he used to hold very carefully and dearly in his hands for him. 

Soobin, who’s so deep in thought and yet is drawn towards the clouds’ insane downpour as if it wants to break open the ground, absentmindedly places the cup on the small outdoor table at the side and walks forward, all into the rain to the middle of their small yard, drenched and soaked within seconds. The matching light grey hoodie and sweatpants that Yeonjun got him recently add a few kilograms to his weight, clutching coldly against his skin, his body heavier. The droplets feel like bullets, and under the vast sky, Soobin is literally and figuratively small—he figures it’s very much possible for the rain to drown him, or for the earth to swallow him whole.

Soobin looks up, closes his eyes, letting the rain to consume him for who he is, and for once since ages ago, the rain is louder than his thoughts, and over time, the thoughts finally quiets down. He likes it, and so he lets it be. It puts his mind into a complete stop, and gradually his shoulders stop shaking, his teeth stop chattering. He relaxes under the chaotic thunders and lightning. He breathes in, allowing the heavy cries of nature to overpower him as he welcomes them with open arms. The rain gets heavier as the sky turns darker—if that’s even possible—as if the clouds are kind enough to absorb all the draining, depleting shits that have been occupying his pretty little mind.

It seems as if the nature is calling out to him, and says _relax, relax, relax, I got you._

For a moment, it’s just that—him and the rain. Nothing else exists, except for himself, and he accepts that. Until he hears a faint yell of his name—heavenly and mellifluent—overshadowed by the strident thunders, and yet Soobin knows there’s no way in heaven and hell that he won’t _notice_ the voice. He would notice it—he would hear it—through all of the quietness and loudness, he would _hear._

Hence, he opens his eyes, though hardly under the rain.

Through blurry vision and shaky breaths, he fixes his focus at the roofed sliding door, squinting his eyes for a few times before he manages to make up a figure standing there. Yeonjun has his hand is tightly fisting around the fabric of the pink blanket that’s wrapped around his body. Another hand is at the side of his lips as his mouth opens, calling out to Soobin again, louder this time as if he didn’t hear it the first time around.

“Choi Soobin!”

It’s strange, Soobin thinks, how it’s deadly cold outside like it’s winter, and yet inside he feels comfortably warm like it’s summer.

“Choi Soobin! _Soobinnie_!” Yeonjun yells once more and Soobin wonders whether his voice cracks at the end or if it’s just in his mind. Whichever it is, it sounds so, _so_ lovely and endearing all the same. He can see that Yeonjun’s inching closer to the rain—the sky blue hoodie and sweatpants becoming clearer (it’s the same like ones Soobin’s wearing, only that Yeonjun’s in different colour, and they’re a couple item Yeonjun got because he’s just cheesy and corny like that); he’s closer but not enough for him to get to Soobin. They’re still a few feet apart, separated by the cloudburst, and Soobin thinks, at the sight of a sleepy-looking Yeonjun, it’s him who’s going to burst next. “Get inside now! You’re going to catch a cold!”

Yeonjun extends his hand, waving him over before he makes a grabby motion, adorably asking Soobin to rush to him and interlace their fingers together. Soobin thinks he’s really gone for the other.

Soobin doesn’t move. Instead, he yells just as loud, “Choi Yeonjun, it’s goddamn cold out here!”

Yeonjun remains silent for a moment, his head tilting to the side, eyebrows pinching together in confusion. He slightly moves forward, a step or two, before he replies, “I can’t hear you!” and he flails his arm dramatically around his ear to emphasize his message. “The rain’s too loud! Can you please repeat yourself?”

Soobin laughs, softly, softly before he lets it out all at once in such a heartily one. He brushes away the droplets that linger on his lashes and at the corners of his eyes so that he’s able to look at Yeonjun clearly. In a heartbeat, under a breath, and as loud as the thunders overhead, he screams, “Hey, Choi Yeonjun, I love you! I really, _really_ do!”

“Can you please get back here so that we can have a conversation like normal people?” Yeonjun asks, a hint of frustration is evident in his voice, though he still takes another step forward and if he does just one more, he’ll completely be drenched too, something that he’s not up for at the moment. He pulls the blanket closer to his body when a gush of wind violently dances against the exposed skin on his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

Soobin laughs again. “I said _I love you!_ Won’t you say it back?”

“I love you too! You know I do,” Yeonjun cries desperately, “Now will you please get back here?”

Soobin hears Yeonjun loud and clear, but he decides to fool around, enjoying the worried expression the other has on display a tad too much. It’s fun teasing him too.

“I can’t hear you!” Soobin repeats what Yeonjun had said just a minute ago. “The rain’s too loud; can you please repeat yourself?”

Soobin swears he can see the annoyed huff Yeonjun lets out before the older marches forward, and within five big steps, he’s now standing completely in front of the taller male. Soobin no longer feels the heavy bullets against the fabric of his clothes as Yeonjun has both of his arms on both of their heads, the blanket serves as a shield to protect the two from the rain. As Soobin looks down at the one who’s already staring up at him, everything goes silent and the world stops spinning—that’s of course, an exaggeration but at least that’s what it feels like to Soobin.

“I love you too,” Yeonjun whispers, and somehow it becomes the loudest and clearest, most heartfelt confession he has ever heard.

“I know,” Soobin mutters, swiftly snaking an arm around Yeonjun’s waist, pulling him closer. “I heard it the first time around. I just wanted to hear it again.”

Yeonjun gasps. “Jackass!” Soobin almost thinks Yeonjun really is annoyed if it wasn’t for the soft smile that creeps its way onto his lips afterwards.

“How was your nap?”

It’s not a conversation that Yeonjun thinks he would be having under the rain, but he answers still. “It was good.”

“How does it feel ditching me not even halfway into the movie just to sleep?”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes at the sarcastic question. “Geez, I’ll make it up to you, your highness.”

“The rain’s really heavy.” Soobin states the very obvious.

“It really is, which is why I don’t understand why you’re out here.”

“I don’t understand why you’re out here with me too.”

The older groans, rolling his eyes. “Binnie, if you haven’t noticed, this is such a pointless conversation. My arms are tired already!” Yeonjun says, eyes shifting to the now damped pink blanket overhead for a short while before he settles his gaze back on Soobin.

“It’s really cold out here.” Soobin mumbles, completely ignoring Yeonjun’s complain. “I’m cold.”

“Of course you are!” Yeonjun’s tone almost scolding. “Let’s head inside and warm you up.”

“Can you kiss me?” Soobin asks almost immediately, _thoughtlessly_ before Yeonjun could turn around and drag him towards the house. “I mean, can _I_ kiss you first before we get in?”

Blood rushes to Yeonjun’s cheeks as the heat makes way to the tips of his ears, his whole face reddens under Soobin’s genuine question. They kiss _more_ than a lot, and that isn’t exactly the first time one of them asks for permission, but there’s something in the way Soobin asked and looked at him as he did so that makes everything feels even more intimate that day. Perhaps it’s the rain. Perhaps it’s the thunders. Perhaps it’s the way how all he can see at that moment is Soobin and only him. Perhaps it’s _Soobin_. Yeonjun’s certain it’s Soobin.

“Can we—“

Yeonjun nods, granting the permission Soobin’s looking for.

And so Soobin leans in, slowly, slowly and all at once, letting his lips flutter lightly over Yeonjun’s for a millisecond before entirely closing all the gaps that exist between them. Their eyes shut almost simultaneously, with Soobin’s having his own completely closed just a few moments after Yeonjun. The kiss they’re sharing _saves_ Soobin in every way possible, in every way there is. As the taller tilts his head with his hands resting at Yeonjun’s cheeks to kiss him better, Yeonjun finally lets his arms down to wrap them around Soobin’s neck; the blanket slips from his fingers and pathetically falls on the ground, forming a small splash of puddles around their feet.

The sudden droplets that hit them square in the faces shock the hell out of them, but only for a short while. Yeonjun’s completely drenched and he should be bothered, but all he can think of is the faint taste of almond as well as the gentle movement of Soobin’s lips that are guiding his own. He can taste the pure taste of rain at the roof of Soobin’s mouth too, and there’s something about kissing under the rain that feels almost too cliché, but with the way he kisses him good and sends him into a dreamy state of euphoria, Yeonjun doesn’t really mind cliché. Soobin lets out a sigh of relief that Yeonjun swallows it whole into his being, pulling him closer and kissing him sweeter that Yeonjun’s left breathless when Soobin finally pulls away approximately 15 seconds after.

Yeonjun feels dizzy and ecstatic as he leans his forehead on Soobin’s chest, lips dewy and swollen, his knees shaky. His hands found their way at the sides of the younger’s waist, clinging onto him for dear life because he literally can’t feel his legs anymore.

“This is so romantic,” Soobin says, a chuckle ends his sentence. “Cold, too, but romantic mostly. Like in books and movies.”

“It is,” Yeonjun replies just as playfully as he looks up. “Will you please kiss me again, once more before we head inside?”

Soobin obeys, and they have another one—or two, or many more because Yeonjun gets whatever it is that he wants—before they return to the warmth of their home, but it’s not Yeonjun who drags them in.

It’s Soobin, and that’s only possible after Soobin promises to kiss him _more_ when they get in.

Yeonjun can be a brat sometimes, he thinks, but Soobin really won’t have him any other way.

That night, Yeonjun feels the heat uncomfortably building up at the back of his throat. He tries to cool it down by having a cup of cold water, and by dinner, he loses all of his appetite altogether. Soobin notices the lack of red behind Yeonjun’s cheeks, and so he reaches over and places the back of his hand on Yeonjun’s forehead.

“You’re burning!” Soobin gasps in surprise before he forces a total of five spoonful of kimchi fried rice down Yeonjun’s throat and have him swallowed two bitter tablets of flu medicine afterwards. Soobin holds back a snicker once Yeonjun’s face scrunched up at the sharp taste of pills that linger on his tongue, thinking it’s funny how Yeonjun was all riled up to drag him inside out of worry for he might be catching a cold, but it’s the older who’s getting sick now.

At nine p.m., Yeonjun’s all bundled up in Soobin’s sweater and a pair of socks, with a duvet covering him up to his chest. Soobin insisted him to sleep, but Yeonjun’s too stubborn to listen as the new episode of a k-drama that he recently follows is up. Soobin can only shake his head as he settles himself comfortably beside the older on the bed, letting Yeonjun to drape an arm around his torso as he snuggles closer. It’s been like that for two weeks, unproductive and lazy, but Soobin ain’t complaining. The world keeps revolving. The earth keeps spinning. He isn’t well-updated with what’s going on out there, but he knows it’s nothing that both of them can’t handle, really, because the last time they heard from Beomgyu and Taehyun is a week ago, and so they assume that things are fine and manageable.

Soobin looks up from Yeonjun’s hair to catch a scene of a young single-dad sending his toddler off to the day care, before he too catches a bus to get to work. Though the younger has his eyes on the screen of his MacBook occasionally, he fails to catch up on what’s happening in the episode because Yeonjun’s vanilla and honeydew scent is too distracting for his own good, and the way the faint moonlight that bathes the side of his face makes him look even more ethereal than he usually does. Hence, Soobin finds himself watching Yeonjun more instead—another cliché, but oh well.

“Hey, Soobin,” Yeonjun sounds dreamy and muzzy—almost sleepy—as if he’s floating between the state of consciousness and unconsciousness. “I want kids.”

Now, Yeonjun really has been dropping questions, suggestions and demands that, more often than not, catch Soobin off guard for the past two weeks. They’re dropped at random times, when Soobin least expects it, thoughtful yet playful, that Soobin doesn’t know whether to take the older seriously or not. They range from ‘ _hey, should we move to the outskirt of Seoul? It’s quiet and you can be more focused on your writing’_ to ‘ _should we get married again_ (Soobin had to ask whether it’s possible to be married _again_ to the person you’re still legally married to, to which Yeonjun just waved him off) _and this time, we hold a ceremony and make it like so grand and we can have BTS sings there as well so it can be like wedding of the year or something’_. Soobin remembers laughing silently at the suggestion, thinking it’s absurd and yet endearing at the same time.

“Bin, if you could date any celebrity, who would you choose?” Yeonjun asked one day, amidst their gardening session at the back of their house.

Soobin coughed aloud at the question, flustered and bewildered. “I’m literally _married_ to one.”

Yeonjun smiled ever so adorably at the _right_ answer as he flicked his bangs out of his face. “I _know._ I just feel the need to be aware in case I need to fight somebody.”

Those were just ones out of many, but now, now, what the older has just said really catches him off guard he’s rendered speechless for he doesn’t know how long, but it must be long enough that Yeonjun has to tilt his head slightly to peek at him through the dark, propping his elbow at the side of Soobin’s waist. He openly stares back at Yeonjun’s eyes that hold the entire universe in them, mouth and throat dry, his brain short-circuit and all of his vocabulary vanishes for good. He can feel the uncomfortable heat settling under his cheeks, and he wonders if Yeonjun can see it. He hopes he can’t, or pretends that he doesn’t notice it even if he does.

“Bin,” Yeonjun softly calls out, eyes half-lidded and still sounds just as dreamy. “I said I want kids.”

It’s a topic that has been long abandoned due to their busy careers and commitments, especially on Yeonjun’s part. They both love kids way too much for their own good, and Soobin expressed that particular want only once throughout their marriage, because though the older shares the same want too, he couldn’t commit to another huge responsibility just yet, and Soobin was understanding. Soobin looks intently, eyes sharp and intense, but warm as he makes himself think that Yeonjun is drowsy from the medicine he had earlier, and when the morning comes, he’ll forget he’s having this conversation with him.

“Uh,” Soobin begins unsurely, because he really doesn’t know where to steer the conversation. He’s not like Yeonjun who has the greatest ability to steer a conversation to wherever directions he likes. “Yeah, okay.”

“Can we please adopt two the first time around?” Yeonjun asks, and Soobin listens intently, his heart swelling up with overwhelming emotions that are surging within him. “I would like to have an even number family.”

“Why?”

“So that whenever we go to the theme park, everyone would have a partner to go with on the rollercoaster rides.”

Soobin breathes in the answer that’s way too innocent, genuine and pure, looking at Yeonjun who’s fighting hard to keep his eyes open with overflowing affection and admiration, and nods. “Okay, of course.” 

Yeonjun really has the best of answers to all of his questions. He speaks in a way that Soobin can easily comprehend and accept that he ends up effortlessly convinced with almost whatever the older has in mind. He pulls Yeonjun close, pulling the duvet closer to him, keeping him warm. In due time, the sick falls asleep, soundlessly, peacefully at the broad of his chest. Soobin quietly stares, index finger absentmindedly tracing along the cold loop of Yeonjun’s silver earring, and for some strange reasons, Soobin begins to understand.

The next morning, the second thing that greets Soobin after a _good morning_ is _are we going to adopt the kids today?_ He's in dazed at how Yeonjun makes it sound and seem so easy, though he knows that the whole process isn't as easy as it sounds, but under the lazy sunlight and hazy judgment, Soobin smiles. He begins to understand.

Soobin really understands two midnights after.

It’s not hard to understand, really, because the answer is in front of him all along—all this time—and he’s had it once, only that he lost it due to the fogs of his mind, but it’s _there._ It still is. The same and never changes.

Soobin mumbles incoherent words when he feels a couple taps of his arm, followed by a violent shake on his shoulders.

“Soobinnie, wake up,” a poke at the side of his waist, before another, “Come on, wake up!”

Soobin groans as he forces his eyes open, pushing himself up to lean against the headboard of the bed. He blinks, adjusting his eyes to the dim brightness that illuminates the room, and looks questioningly, annoyingly at his husband who’s sitting at his side, smiling brightly as if he didn’t commit a crime seconds ago.

“You better have a good reason for this,” the younger mumbles groggily, letting out a loud, embarrassing yawn just right after, fighting back the sleepiness that hangs heavy from his lashes.

“Let’s go to the convenience store.”

“Why?”

“I’m hungry, and we’ve run out of ramen already.”

“What time is it now?”

“It’s 2:30.”

“You’re still sick, Junnie, and it’s cold out,” Soobin reminds.

Yeonjun whines childishly as he reaches over to grab a hold of Soobin’s hand before placing the back of it against his forehead. “I’m not. See? I’m good now, and I’ll bundled up if that makes you feel better.”

Soobin gets up wordlessly, because no kidding, saying ‘no’ to Yeonjun is impossible.

Hence, approximately at 2:43 in the morning, Soobin finds himself wide-awake in the midst of sleeping neighbourhood, walking hand-in-hand with none other than Choi Yeonjun. The walk is silent, only the sound of their hollow footsteps can be heard, but they aren’t bothered really. After all, quiet hours is one of their many things, too, and not too long after, they arrive at the convenience store.

It seems as if nothing changes at all; it feels like déjà vu all over again. They walk in, and Soobin catches the little shriek the girl at the cashier lets out once her eyes set on Yeonjun, or him—he doesn’t know—because he notices the small gasp she makes when they hold eye-contact, too. Soobin trails after his husband, standing by his side at the isle as the older picks the spicy jjajang noodles, one that was out of stock that night but is available now, and then proceeding to get almond milk for himself and a banana milk for Yeonjun. He also gets the ready-made tteokbokki and triangular rice balls, and the two walk over to the counter to pay for the food.

The girl sheepishly smiles, but she talks in a normal tone, unlike how it was the other night, to which Soobin mentally appreciates. “Would you like me to reheat the food?”

Soobin nods with a smile. “Yes, please.”

And as the girl puts the food into the microwave at the other end of the counter, Soobin can’t help thinking how it’s possible that for things to remain the same and yet they feel different all at once. He tilts his head to the side, eyeing Yeonjun who’s all layered with his ( _Soobin’s_ ) sweater, a beanie on his head and a scarf around his neck, and a pair of baggy, faded sweatpants. He looks ridiculously smaller like that, and when he turns to look at him in confusion, Soobin shakes his head and flashes his million-dollar-worth smile.

“Hey, Soobin, do you know how to do a CPR?”

Soobin figures it’s just another random question that Yeonjun has in his head, oblivious to his antic.

“That’s so sudden. Why?”

“Because you take my breath away with that smile.”

Soobin blows his cheeks in an attempt to stop the embarrassed, cheeky grin that’s threatening to break upon his lips. A faint chuckle that echoes from across them reveals that the painfully embarrassing pick up line wasn’t only heard by the two of them, but also the girl who’s kind enough to let it pass. Soobin can’t help but to blush a little, face-palming himself in hope that the second-hand embarrassment would magically perish.

After paying, the two make their ways to the same table at the front of the store they sat at a few months ago, and begin to eat to their hearts’ content. Light conversations fill them in between every bites, and as Yeonjun helps to tear open his almond milk, eyes focused and lips pouting, Soobin is having some kind of epiphany. He stares and stares, and when Yeonjun hands him the milk, he opens his mouth.

“What will you do next, Yeonjun?”

“Sleep, of course.”

Soobin breathes, and thanks God for the patience. “No, I mean, like next _next._ ”

Yeonjun’s face reacts to the realisation, his mouth forming a small ‘o’. “Oh, _oh,_ well… I don’t know, honestly,” he trails off, head tilting to the side a degree or two as he ponders on the question. “There are many things I would like to do, frankly speaking. I want to travel the world with you, now that we have all the time in the world in our hands,” he speaks in such genuineness, and Soobin hates the way he melts into a puddle of mess at that. “I would also like to open up my own agency, and self-produce my own albums or some sort. I would love to try out designing my own clothes, and maybe having my own clothing line. Kids, I would love to have kids and being parents with you, too, and have a little family I can call my own. There’s a lot but I think for now I’ll just go with the flow, moving at my own pace. But most importantly, whatever it is I’ll do, wherever it is my feet will bring me, I want to have all of them with you.”

Soobin wants to cry out of the pure joy he’s feeling at the thought that Yeonjun isn’t entirely dropping his glorified life. He still holds it in his hands, carrying it with him, only that this time he’s not hiding Soobin from that world anymore—he’s including him, and Soobin is ecstatic that Choi Yeonjun isn’t less of himself even when he has decided to pick Choi Soobin, too. The weight of guilt, doubt and insecurities that had been residing on his shoulders from two weeks ago are lifted and dissipated into the thin, chilly air, and he lets out a sigh of relief. He breathes easily, liking how smooth the air fills both of his lungs and chest, light and seamless.

On the way back, under billions of dim-lit stars and a ridiculously beautiful crescent moon overhead, in between two streetlights, in the middle of the luxurious neighbourhood, in the loud quietness of the night, Yeonjun whispers something in the lines of _let’s begin again, for real this time_ that Soobin fails to thoroughly comprehend. Yet, he understands. He looks, and he sees warm red, optimistic yellow, and calm blue, and all of brilliant rainbows that make all of Yeonjun, and he sees all the colours he can’t put a name to them all in Yeonjun alone. It’s not an earth-shattering whisper like before; instead it feels like safely landing his feet on the ground of reality. Soobin manages a barely noticeable nod, and that’s when Yeonjun leans in.

Yeonjun pulls Soobin down by the string of his hoodie, and unlike how it was many nights ago, the way he places his lips against Soobin’s is slow and gentle. Careful and graceful. Yeonjun isn’t rushing—Soobin can feel through the tender and delicate movement of his lips—because Yeonjun isn’t chasing time anymore, and though the world he’s had many months ago has broken apart, he has a new one now. The ground beneath their feet doesn’t feel like it’s going to break open and swallow them anytime soon; instead it feels solid and secure. They have all the time in the world, Soobin has never felt safer, not until that moment.

“God, Choi Soobin, I love you,” Yeonjun murmurs huskily against his lips and Soobin’s internal goes into a haywire at the sensation of Yeonjun’s shaky breaths on his jaw. “I really love you, like I have all these things in my head that I’m dying to say, but they all come to one, really, and that’s I love you.”

“I know,” _I understand,_ because it’s very much obvious in Yeonjun’s every action, evident in his longing and yearning gaze though Soobin’s just in his reach, loud in the way he utters his _I love you’s_ and uplifting compliments and mortifying pick-up lines. He understands, because Yeonjun picked him once 6 years ago, and he picks him now, like how he’d always pick Yeonjun in this lifetime, and all the lifetimes that will come after. It’s as simple as that, no reasons and explanations needed, because as long as he stands in his shoes and not Yeonjun’s, he would never understand why Yeonjun picks him. He would never understand because he doesn’t see himself through Yeonjun’s eyes. All he knows is that he wants to love Yeonjun just the same, and he knows he can love well because he’s loved well. “I love you too.”

When Yeonjun kisses him again, sending his heart soaring with his wedding ring pressing cold against the crook of his neck, Soobin figures he doesn’t need to understand all the _whys_ ; he only needs to understand that Yeonjun loves him, not for a _because_ , but for a _no matter what._

**chyeonjun** are you religious? because you’re the answers to all of my prayers ;D @chsoobin

Soobin looks at the photo of him and Yeonjun that they took during Yeonjun’s predebut days. They were in small, secluded café near his former company; Soobin was in white shirt with an outerwear of the same shade with jeans, Yeonjun was in his favourite blue-white stripes shirt that he loves so much, with plaid jeans. They had the same ‘V’ pose, and equally soft smiles on their lips. It feels nostalgic somehow, because it feels like yesterday, and yet it feels so far away, too. It doesn’t make sense how time barely exists when it comes to Choi Yeonjun. He then proceeds to read the caption, and cringes, but really, he won’t have him any other way.

**chsoobin** commented on your post: barely see you prayin but ok i'm glad theyre answered i guess :///

* * *

it finally marks the end of this fiction! thank you so much if you’ve made it here, from the beginning until the end, and i hope you had such an enjoyable ride through all the ups and downs! honestly, initially i planned to end it with a sad ending (during the first few chapters), and i even had a couple people reaching out to me and told me to end it with an angst, but i reconsidered after reading a lot of yeonbin AUs on twt that ended with sad endings and it made me so freaking sad, so here we are! lmao kudos and comments are always appreciated, and i really hope to see you in my other fic(s) ([the moment i saw you (the magic began)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26628790/chapters/64931977)as well! thank you! scream to me here for the last time juseyo! <3 

**Author's Note:**

> scream to me on twt @ateezimnida


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